11.27.2006

a standing ovation

an earned one.. in honor of a new -- and soon to be -- dear friend.

so, for those of you who know me, you know that i am really very subtle and rarely say what i think or offer my opinion about anything. also, you know that i am not at all boy crazy. finally, if you have read this and are buying ANY of it...you do not know me at all.

i am as subtle as a Mack truck (or a "temmy," as my 2-year-old nephew would say), have a shared (and usually unpopular) opinion on pretty much everything, and am TOTALLY boy crazy. [i like to think of it as seeing and apreciating the good in the opposite (heaven forbid i type "s-e-x") gender].

so here is the deal...

in pretty typical justatrace fashion (ok, so i have to admit that originally i typed "trace-fashion." then i remembered my author friend Jason Boyett; he writes those pocket guide books. when he finds it necessary to refer to himself or his perspective in the third person, he refers to himself as the pocketguide. in his honor, when referring to myself in the third person, i will use justatrace.)

so yesterday, in typical justatrace fashion, i texted a boy to tell him of my current feelings for him. BACKGROUND: i have known said boy in an occasional way...acquaintances who saw each other from time to time and spoke at parties...you know, that kind of thing...but since the moment i spied him from across the Atrium...all tattooed up and about to mount his motorcycle and ride off into the sunset...i have been intrigued. so here is the thing...although i was intrigued, i was more than a little certain that he would not be...and don't get excited.. he wasn't.

BUT...get this...so i tell him (in a text message...even i am not THAT bold) that i have a crush on him, but that i hope we can still be friends...his response?!?!...he says he would like to "TALK" to me about it...yep, that is right..discuss it...like with voices...NOT by email or AIM or text messaging.

so, for those of you who are diligently taking notes, boys, THIS is a good idea.

and we did...tlak about it that is. and it was the most gracious and adult conversation/rejection i have ever had. in fact, it did not feel like rejection at all...it was beautiful. i felt appreciated, and respected, and in a strange way--almost loved. i felt like it was the right thing -- the Christ-like thing -- for him to do. and i truly appreciated his candor and his honesty. and i feel like our friendship will be all the better because of it.

so...i applaud him (honoring him with the standing o)...and i thank him...and i encourage you all to be so bold as to stand up and do the right thing...with love and compassion...even when it is weird and awkward and hard...maybe especially then.

Father God, thank you for abundantly blessing me...for bringing men into my life who are willing to do what is right. men who are examples to me of what godly men are to be. men who can be my friends...without benefits. thank you for him...bless him, Father; keep him safe and in Your hands. thank you for being the only affirmation and acceptance i need. and thank you for helping me to believe...i love you. amen

tangential??

8.30.2006

going...going...gone

after nearly a year of relatively disciplined "blogging" -- writing poetry, songs, journal entries and creating my "internet presence" on myspace...i find the road drawing to a close...petering out much like ernesto over the Atlantic Coast of Florida.

i am not sure what the deal is...i deleted my myspace account and two of my lesser known blogspots; i even deleted many of the entries from this very page. strange.

my friend cafrine asked if i was having a crisis of communication; maybe i am.

parts of me miss it. i miss the getting it all out of my system, the part where i can rant to anonymous masses and feel the boldness of letting everyone know how i feel or what i have learned yet with the safety and security of believing no one would care enough to read. i miss wondering if anyone has commented or left me a message on myspace. i miss changing up the Top Friends. i miss being friends with matt wertz and dave barnes, members of nsync, and the cast of saved by the bell.

what scares me most is that maybe i have nothing to say. that would indeed be a crisis for me. i wouldn't know who i am anymore. maybe that is just it...it is time to figure out who i am...and to figure it out on my own...without the rants of boldness and the safety net.

so yeah...hmmm...there it is

7.23.2006

amazing love

if you have read this blog before, you know that during the past year i have had my sights set on a particular young man. i am even surprised myself that "this" has lasted so long. i mean obviously, as i read back through some of the blogs of the past year, i am reminded of the others whose paths mine have crossed, but not one of them was like his.

so here is the thing:

for the past two months (at least) i have been praying for closure. you see, all this time, i assumed this man had no clue i was interested, figuring that if he knew, he would've said something by now. boy, was i wrong. suffice it to say (which is my new favorite phrase, btw), he has known the entire time. thankfully, he let me know he knew before things got too awkward....ok, that part is a lie, but he did let me know that he knew--finally.

and as hard and weird and humiliating as it was, i am so incredibly thankful for that moment. in fact, parts of me wish that singular moment might have been all he and i were ever to be. it wasn't. don't get me wrong, this ending, although a very happy one, may not be what you expect from a happy ending. the short version is this: that singular moment was followed by three days of long talks and fast-and-furious getting to know each other better. literally, in 36 hours, we spoke on the phone for six of them (that is extraordinary to me). and in that time, this man said to me some of the sweetest things i have ever heard; i chose (and still choose) to believe he meant them. over the next several days we talked less, but i realy didn't think too much of it. fast forward a week or so. yesterday morning, i received an email from him stating that although it was difficult for him to say, he was pursuing a relationship with someone else.

is it strange that i am totally o.k. with that?
nope, it is the grace of God. i believe.

please do not misunderstand, this story is not about him, it is about HIM. God is good and faithful and has a plan for each of our lives. i have never believed this more. i think sometimes it is far more about the process than it is about the result. if he and i had ended up together, things would be so much different. maybe better, i assume worse, but really who knows? what i do KNOW is this: i have learned more about myself, who i am in HIM, how people perceive me, who HE is, etc., than i have in a very long time. i pray this "knowledge" sticks. i am so thankful that HE would allow him to teach me some of this--like, i am glad he was the "vessel."

so many times the single women i know quote the "God will give you the desires of your heart" scripture, and i think the problem with that is we assume we know the desires of our hearts. i have learned that, perhaps, we don't know them as well as we thought. all this time, i thought i wanted him, when really the only satisfaction i have in "this" with him or without, is HIM. this is not at all shocking, but such a sweet revelation to me.

for months, i have surrendered "this" to HIM, and HE has been so faithful. HE has given me the desire of my heart. the amazing thing is, what i thought i had wanted so badly and for so long was not it. please, don't get me wrong. i love him (yes, little h him), and he will occupy a special place in my heart in the corner reserved for amazing friends who have forever changed my life. there aren't words to articulate the joys "this" experience has brought me, and i didn't "get the guy." i am a little nervous to see what it might look like if i ever do. GOD is so good. and i say that all of the time, and i mean it all of the the time, and HE is good ALL OF THE TIME.

so i guess this is to encourage you, me, him, all of us. a little heartache just might do all of us some good. don't be so sure that the ones we have our hearts set on are actually the desires of our hearts. remember that HE has a plan, and that HIS ways are higher than ours. that means that the good HE has for us, is better than our feeble minds can even imagine. and, look, i know it is hard in a world that insists that we are incomplete without a man, but when we can somehow, by God's grace, see ourselves as the brides of Christ -- how beautiful. honestly, how could we want, need, ask for more? what an amazing picture.

my devotion this morning said this from The Message: I Corinthians 13:7, "Love...puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best." Certainly, i do not write that here to say stay in your abusive realtionship or ANYTHING LIKE THAT. i write it to say, well to say, what Eugene Peterson said better than i can:
"The freedom that comes from a life of faith has a quietness and a naturalness to it. It is not assertive or ostentatious...I don't think that we discover this primarily in the passionate acts of love that immerse us in a sea of ectasy. For the most part we must not look for it in the dramatic, in the parade, or in the honeymoon. We must express it in the minute decisions we make in regards to our gestures and words....At the last minute, as it were, when everything else has done its work and made its contribution, there is freedom to change a tone of voice, to write a sentence in a letter, to make a telephone call--the freedom to love."


i love the beauty and simplicity and truth of that. i feel like i am always trying and never just being. perhaps that is a topic for another blog another day.

thank you, mr. him. i love you and am praying for you both.


Father, thank you for revealing yourself to me in new ways, and for revealing myself to me as well. i am not sure where you are leading, but i am sure that, with Your help, i will follow...anywhere. thanks for loving me. Amen

7.01.2006

SHOUT it loud

it is so hard sometimes for me to figure out where to begin. i always have so many wheels spinning in my head; sometimes i forget to rest.

i am in mississippi. i am at the wedding of two of the most amazing people i know. i have the honor of reading scripture at the ceremony. a couple of blogs ago i wrote about bravery. my friend fayez spoke to me about it today--about bravery and about celebrity and about what constitutes either of those things. fayez contends that bravery and celebrity exist only when a person pursues the will of God in his life; what good is blazing a trail if it is not the trail God has for him? all of that to say, by any definition, nathan and casey are brave; they are celebrities; they are truly the picture of Christ's love--pure and simple and beautiful.

i am so honored to be a part of this ceremony. i am honored to be among the family and friends that spawned such greatness. i am honored to be among people who take no credit for their status but give ALL of the glory to God. nathan and casey want nothing more than for Christ to be glorified through their love; and He is. He already is.

it is so surreal. not only are nate and casey celebs, but so is every person i have met here. pastors, and nurses, and photographer/computer progammers, and teachers, and students, kids and adults alike, from two-year old babies to their mommies and their great grand mommies--all celebrities. it is truly one of the most amazing and Spirit-filled occasions i have EVER witnessed, much less been a part of.

and it is hilarious. hilarious. did i mention hilarious? i have not laughed so hard in a very long time (and that is serious; i laugh loudly and a lot). but it is also serious. and i love that too. it is inspiring to listen as person after person shares the impact and influence of Christ shared through one or both of these two. watching the interactions between Casey and her mom and dad makes me wonder what my parents might say if i actually ever tied the knot. it is impossible for me not to imagine and dream of the man God might have for me. but my imagination feels healthier than usual. these dreams are balanced by a reverence and a recognition of the fact that FIRST i am the bride of Christ; that i must give my heart, surrender it, fully and completely to Him FIRST. Miss Vicky said today that Christ captured Casey's heart when she was a little girl and now He is sharing it with Nathan. what an amazing gift. Casey and Nathan always say they had confidence in their love relationship when they realized they could serve God better together than apart. i love that. and i would be lying if i said i did not pray for that for myself. to be honest, i pray that is truth for all who marry.

today was the rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal dinner, a time of worship and a bridal shower. at the rehearsal i met leslie. leslie was in a music ministry with nathan at MC. the group produced a cd; a cd that occupies my player more than *NSync (that is serious). i was basically a groupie as i talked to leslie about the whole Adopted thing; i was in the company of greatness. that moment was sooned topped when nathan led worship on the night before his wedding. Jesus is immediately present when nathan leads. he has an amazing gift. anyway, as we all sang and titus gave a brief message and a prayer, i was reminded of who i am, in Him. two more things: we are His; i am His. i was a slave; i am free. "glory be to my Father who reigns, for i met Him and i can not be the same. when in bondage to Jesus i came, He took my place and He changed my name."

there's a hidden track on the cd, and i encourage you...
shout it loud do not hold back raise your voice like a trumpet
He is good to me and His kindness endures
honor and majesty strength and gladness in His place

6.28.2006

what if

what if all those nights i dreamed of you
suddenly became my truth
and all those times i imagined your face
was the next evidence of His grace

what if all the thoughts of you and i becoming us
was more than a feeling, but was something i could trust
and if He moved that mountain, and if He let it be
together we would praise Him and sing of His mercy

what if i had truly love you all the days of my life
instead of creating a mockery, rather than living in strife
would that be more attractive? would you then pursue me?
i know it truly matters not; it's in the hands of the diety

so as i lay me down to sleep, and pray that we will some day be
i lay to rest the what ifs and trade them in for wait and sees
trusting God's plan, and as hard as it seems
i hope that He wakes me from irrelevant dreams

6.27.2006

do-over...ramble much?

due to technical difficulties, i had to repost this baby. enjoy...


so i am sitting here, wasting time, surfing around this internet, and song after song plays in my head--100s of them (ok, maybe not 100s, maybe more like tens). right now it is "marianne" by matt wertz, about ten minutes ago huey lewis and the news' "do you believe in love," before that is was "wishin' on a star" by, hmm, i can't think of whom but anyway, song after song. i suppose this is better than the same song all day that generally occupies my brain. now i am onto wild orchid's "at night i pray." so rather than looking at myspace for the 952nd time in the last half hour or so, i decided to write. i do not have much to say. i am confused. i am ashamed. i am lazy. i am uninteresting. i am broke. i am easily distracted. i am a loner. this is a new and strange realization for me. i used to consider myself social. i used to think of myself as an extrovert, and, more than that, i believed those were unchanging qualities inherent in the fiber of trace nevad. i long for the attention of the wrong people, although i don't necessarily go out of my way to receive it -- any more. i am lazy. i already said that. i am repetitive...AND redundant. i have no hobbies or interests. i met a lady today who kept asking me, "do you like to this, do you like to that?" i was like, "no, no, no." and she was all..., and i was all... (ok, i just wanted to put that, that last part about 'and she was all..., and i was all,' that never really happened.) i have friends who are brave. who are not scared of anything. seriously, they are celebrities. they are like celebrities at least. they are grammy winners, and writers and non-profit starters. at least i think those people are my friends. why can't i be brave? i am surrounded by beautiful godly intelligent women and men, and rather than striving to be like them, i strive to be a better and more complete me. which i suppose is a good thing, but i definitely do not know what that even means. also, can i add here that a big pet peeve of mine is the inability of people to spell definitely. dang, it drives me nuts. also, i curse too much. it is unnecessary; not nice and not attractive. now i have REM--"this one goes out to the one i love." now it's their "loosing my religion." which i fear i may be, and i am not sure that would be such a bad thing. i mean, it's not like i am loosing my heavenly father or my savior--just religion. that is the part of all of it i despise. am i doing all of this with the right intention and motivation? what do i really believe and why? how did i get to be 33 years old without having found any answers? and how come others get to figure stuff out? what am i doing wrong? why would i rather sit here doing this than be outside exercising? why am i too afraid to write a book, or be a semi-Delilah-esque radioshow host, or a flight attendant, or go to seminary? i shouldn't fear any of those things--God says. now it's "i don't know much, but i know i love you, and that may be all there is to know" by aaron nevill and linda ronstadt. a good note to end on...farewell

brenda k starr...i got it...wishin on a star...that's who it's by

1.03.2006

easier said than done

*P.S. Hmmmm...can "P.S." mean "prescript"? either way...some of you obviously know the actual identity of "my beloved." please, for my sanity and well-being, be discreet. please, please, please; i'm begging (and that's not something you see often). and for those of you who do not know, please, don't ask.

it was nearly two weeks ago that i oh-so-boldly asserted my you-can't-read-anything-into-anything-they-do-ever diatribe.

and as luck would have it
for 13 days, all i have done is fight that the read-too-much-into-every-little-thing reflex with every ounce of my being (that's approximately 3400 ounces, btw). does the hug mean anything? does the side-arm hug mean more or less than the full frontal? does an invitation mean anything? does the acceptance of my invitation mean anything? the rejection? does 2 a.m. mean anything more or less than 10 p.m.? does the guy even know i exist?

seriously, i have purple (well, eggplant hair with auburn highlights and blonde bangs, to be precise) spikey hair, and, on my best day, i am about as subtle as a Mack truck. how could he miss me?

would it, in fact, be worse if he actually knew i existed and simply wasn't interested? how could that be? i am a peach! a diamond in a coal mine! i could provide references regarding my many wonderful qualities if necessary.

anyway, all of this to say, "whatever!" to my previous blog. inside this crass, cynical 33-year-old-body is a twiterpated little schoolgirl longing for the attention and affection of her beloved. the wide-eyed schoolgirl who wants nothing more than to show her beloved her undying affections in one of two ways: 1) donning her most girlie, frilly, pretty white dress and swirling around merrily, or b) kicking him in the knee caps and calling him a dork, maybe even sticking my tongue out at him. both equally senseless and juvenile methods, neither will get me anywhere.

so, here's where i am on this. i like him. he may or may not know i exist, either way is fine (God will work that out). i am thankful that God has given my heart the desire for a normal, nice, fun-loving, all-American guy. that desire is so unusual and like a breath of fresh air for me. i trust that God either has a mate for me or not. i truly have faith. i believe that my satisfaction rests in Abba (my Heavenly Father, not the '70s disco sensation) regardless of my finding a soulmate on earth. i believe this to be true for each of you also. no matter how much time i spend smiling about or thinking about said beloved, God's plan for me is better than any i could come up with on my own--even aforementioned beloved. what peace comes with that knowledge?!?

i saw a movie once that where the main character Frankie says, "There are too many things you have to settle on in life; love shouldn't have to be one of them." on one hand, i agree with Frankie: do NOT settle in the love department. true love is worth the wait. on the other hand, i don't think settling is ever what God wants from us in any aspect of our lives.

so keep on truckin ladies. i still urge you not to read anything into anything, but i must admit...at least for now... i've fallen and i can't get up.