1.03.2006

easier said than done

*P.S. Hmmmm...can "P.S." mean "prescript"? either way...some of you obviously know the actual identity of "my beloved." please, for my sanity and well-being, be discreet. please, please, please; i'm begging (and that's not something you see often). and for those of you who do not know, please, don't ask.

it was nearly two weeks ago that i oh-so-boldly asserted my you-can't-read-anything-into-anything-they-do-ever diatribe.

and as luck would have it
for 13 days, all i have done is fight that the read-too-much-into-every-little-thing reflex with every ounce of my being (that's approximately 3400 ounces, btw). does the hug mean anything? does the side-arm hug mean more or less than the full frontal? does an invitation mean anything? does the acceptance of my invitation mean anything? the rejection? does 2 a.m. mean anything more or less than 10 p.m.? does the guy even know i exist?

seriously, i have purple (well, eggplant hair with auburn highlights and blonde bangs, to be precise) spikey hair, and, on my best day, i am about as subtle as a Mack truck. how could he miss me?

would it, in fact, be worse if he actually knew i existed and simply wasn't interested? how could that be? i am a peach! a diamond in a coal mine! i could provide references regarding my many wonderful qualities if necessary.

anyway, all of this to say, "whatever!" to my previous blog. inside this crass, cynical 33-year-old-body is a twiterpated little schoolgirl longing for the attention and affection of her beloved. the wide-eyed schoolgirl who wants nothing more than to show her beloved her undying affections in one of two ways: 1) donning her most girlie, frilly, pretty white dress and swirling around merrily, or b) kicking him in the knee caps and calling him a dork, maybe even sticking my tongue out at him. both equally senseless and juvenile methods, neither will get me anywhere.

so, here's where i am on this. i like him. he may or may not know i exist, either way is fine (God will work that out). i am thankful that God has given my heart the desire for a normal, nice, fun-loving, all-American guy. that desire is so unusual and like a breath of fresh air for me. i trust that God either has a mate for me or not. i truly have faith. i believe that my satisfaction rests in Abba (my Heavenly Father, not the '70s disco sensation) regardless of my finding a soulmate on earth. i believe this to be true for each of you also. no matter how much time i spend smiling about or thinking about said beloved, God's plan for me is better than any i could come up with on my own--even aforementioned beloved. what peace comes with that knowledge?!?

i saw a movie once that where the main character Frankie says, "There are too many things you have to settle on in life; love shouldn't have to be one of them." on one hand, i agree with Frankie: do NOT settle in the love department. true love is worth the wait. on the other hand, i don't think settling is ever what God wants from us in any aspect of our lives.

so keep on truckin ladies. i still urge you not to read anything into anything, but i must admit...at least for now... i've fallen and i can't get up.