what if

what if all those nights i dreamed of you
suddenly became my truth
and all those times i imagined your face
was the next evidence of His grace

what if all the thoughts of you and i becoming us
was more than a feeling, but was something i could trust
and if He moved that mountain, and if He let it be
together we would praise Him and sing of His mercy

what if i had truly love you all the days of my life
instead of creating a mockery, rather than living in strife
would that be more attractive? would you then pursue me?
i know it truly matters not; it's in the hands of the diety

so as i lay me down to sleep, and pray that we will some day be
i lay to rest the what ifs and trade them in for wait and sees
trusting God's plan, and as hard as it seems
i hope that He wakes me from irrelevant dreams

do-over...ramble much?

due to technical difficulties, i had to repost this baby. enjoy...

so i am sitting here, wasting time, surfing around this internet, and song after song plays in my head--100s of them (ok, maybe not 100s, maybe more like tens). right now it is "marianne" by matt wertz, about ten minutes ago huey lewis and the news' "do you believe in love," before that is was "wishin' on a star" by, hmm, i can't think of whom but anyway, song after song. i suppose this is better than the same song all day that generally occupies my brain. now i am onto wild orchid's "at night i pray." so rather than looking at myspace for the 952nd time in the last half hour or so, i decided to write. i do not have much to say. i am confused. i am ashamed. i am lazy. i am uninteresting. i am broke. i am easily distracted. i am a loner. this is a new and strange realization for me. i used to consider myself social. i used to think of myself as an extrovert, and, more than that, i believed those were unchanging qualities inherent in the fiber of trace nevad. i long for the attention of the wrong people, although i don't necessarily go out of my way to receive it -- any more. i am lazy. i already said that. i am repetitive...AND redundant. i have no hobbies or interests. i met a lady today who kept asking me, "do you like to this, do you like to that?" i was like, "no, no, no." and she was all..., and i was all... (ok, i just wanted to put that, that last part about 'and she was all..., and i was all,' that never really happened.) i have friends who are brave. who are not scared of anything. seriously, they are celebrities. they are like celebrities at least. they are grammy winners, and writers and non-profit starters. at least i think those people are my friends. why can't i be brave? i am surrounded by beautiful godly intelligent women and men, and rather than striving to be like them, i strive to be a better and more complete me. which i suppose is a good thing, but i definitely do not know what that even means. also, can i add here that a big pet peeve of mine is the inability of people to spell definitely. dang, it drives me nuts. also, i curse too much. it is unnecessary; not nice and not attractive. now i have REM--"this one goes out to the one i love." now it's their "loosing my religion." which i fear i may be, and i am not sure that would be such a bad thing. i mean, it's not like i am loosing my heavenly father or my savior--just religion. that is the part of all of it i despise. am i doing all of this with the right intention and motivation? what do i really believe and why? how did i get to be 33 years old without having found any answers? and how come others get to figure stuff out? what am i doing wrong? why would i rather sit here doing this than be outside exercising? why am i too afraid to write a book, or be a semi-Delilah-esque radioshow host, or a flight attendant, or go to seminary? i shouldn't fear any of those things--God says. now it's "i don't know much, but i know i love you, and that may be all there is to know" by aaron nevill and linda ronstadt. a good note to end on...farewell

brenda k starr...i got it...wishin on a star...that's who it's by