amazing love

if you have read this blog before, you know that during the past year i have had my sights set on a particular young man. i am even surprised myself that "this" has lasted so long. i mean obviously, as i read back through some of the blogs of the past year, i am reminded of the others whose paths mine have crossed, but not one of them was like his.

so here is the thing:

for the past two months (at least) i have been praying for closure. you see, all this time, i assumed this man had no clue i was interested, figuring that if he knew, he would've said something by now. boy, was i wrong. suffice it to say (which is my new favorite phrase, btw), he has known the entire time. thankfully, he let me know he knew before things got too awkward....ok, that part is a lie, but he did let me know that he knew--finally.

and as hard and weird and humiliating as it was, i am so incredibly thankful for that moment. in fact, parts of me wish that singular moment might have been all he and i were ever to be. it wasn't. don't get me wrong, this ending, although a very happy one, may not be what you expect from a happy ending. the short version is this: that singular moment was followed by three days of long talks and fast-and-furious getting to know each other better. literally, in 36 hours, we spoke on the phone for six of them (that is extraordinary to me). and in that time, this man said to me some of the sweetest things i have ever heard; i chose (and still choose) to believe he meant them. over the next several days we talked less, but i realy didn't think too much of it. fast forward a week or so. yesterday morning, i received an email from him stating that although it was difficult for him to say, he was pursuing a relationship with someone else.

is it strange that i am totally o.k. with that?
nope, it is the grace of God. i believe.

please do not misunderstand, this story is not about him, it is about HIM. God is good and faithful and has a plan for each of our lives. i have never believed this more. i think sometimes it is far more about the process than it is about the result. if he and i had ended up together, things would be so much different. maybe better, i assume worse, but really who knows? what i do KNOW is this: i have learned more about myself, who i am in HIM, how people perceive me, who HE is, etc., than i have in a very long time. i pray this "knowledge" sticks. i am so thankful that HE would allow him to teach me some of this--like, i am glad he was the "vessel."

so many times the single women i know quote the "God will give you the desires of your heart" scripture, and i think the problem with that is we assume we know the desires of our hearts. i have learned that, perhaps, we don't know them as well as we thought. all this time, i thought i wanted him, when really the only satisfaction i have in "this" with him or without, is HIM. this is not at all shocking, but such a sweet revelation to me.

for months, i have surrendered "this" to HIM, and HE has been so faithful. HE has given me the desire of my heart. the amazing thing is, what i thought i had wanted so badly and for so long was not it. please, don't get me wrong. i love him (yes, little h him), and he will occupy a special place in my heart in the corner reserved for amazing friends who have forever changed my life. there aren't words to articulate the joys "this" experience has brought me, and i didn't "get the guy." i am a little nervous to see what it might look like if i ever do. GOD is so good. and i say that all of the time, and i mean it all of the the time, and HE is good ALL OF THE TIME.

so i guess this is to encourage you, me, him, all of us. a little heartache just might do all of us some good. don't be so sure that the ones we have our hearts set on are actually the desires of our hearts. remember that HE has a plan, and that HIS ways are higher than ours. that means that the good HE has for us, is better than our feeble minds can even imagine. and, look, i know it is hard in a world that insists that we are incomplete without a man, but when we can somehow, by God's grace, see ourselves as the brides of Christ -- how beautiful. honestly, how could we want, need, ask for more? what an amazing picture.

my devotion this morning said this from The Message: I Corinthians 13:7, "Love...puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best." Certainly, i do not write that here to say stay in your abusive realtionship or ANYTHING LIKE THAT. i write it to say, well to say, what Eugene Peterson said better than i can:

"The freedom that comes from a life of faith has a quietness and a naturalness to it. It is not assertive or ostentatious...I don't think that we discover this primarily in the passionate acts of love that immerse us in a sea of ectasy. For the most part we must not look for it in the dramatic, in the parade, or in the honeymoon. We must express it in the minute decisions we make in regards to our gestures and words....At the last minute, as it were, when everything else has done its work and made its contribution, there is freedom to change a tone of voice, to write a sentence in a letter, to make a telephone call--the freedom to love."

i love the beauty and simplicity and truth of that. i feel like i am always trying and never just being. perhaps that is a topic for another blog another day.

thank you, mr. him. i love you and am praying for you both.

Father, thank you for revealing yourself to me in new ways, and for revealing myself to me as well. i am not sure where you are leading, but i am sure that, with Your help, i will follow...anywhere. thanks for loving me. Amen

SHOUT it loud

it is so hard sometimes for me to figure out where to begin. i always have so many wheels spinning in my head; sometimes i forget to rest.

i am in mississippi. i am at the wedding of two of the most amazing people i know. i have the honor of reading scripture at the ceremony. a couple of blogs ago i wrote about bravery. my friend fayez spoke to me about it today--about bravery and about celebrity and about what constitutes either of those things. fayez contends that bravery and celebrity exist only when a person pursues the will of God in his life; what good is blazing a trail if it is not the trail God has for him? all of that to say, by any definition, nathan and casey are brave; they are celebrities; they are truly the picture of Christ's love--pure and simple and beautiful.

i am so honored to be a part of this ceremony. i am honored to be among the family and friends that spawned such greatness. i am honored to be among people who take no credit for their status but give ALL of the glory to God. nathan and casey want nothing more than for Christ to be glorified through their love; and He is. He already is.

it is so surreal. not only are nate and casey celebs, but so is every person i have met here. pastors, and nurses, and photographer/computer progammers, and teachers, and students, kids and adults alike, from two-year old babies to their mommies and their great grand mommies--all celebrities. it is truly one of the most amazing and Spirit-filled occasions i have EVER witnessed, much less been a part of.

and it is hilarious. hilarious. did i mention hilarious? i have not laughed so hard in a very long time (and that is serious; i laugh loudly and a lot). but it is also serious. and i love that too. it is inspiring to listen as person after person shares the impact and influence of Christ shared through one or both of these two. watching the interactions between Casey and her mom and dad makes me wonder what my parents might say if i actually ever tied the knot. it is impossible for me not to imagine and dream of the man God might have for me. but my imagination feels healthier than usual. these dreams are balanced by a reverence and a recognition of the fact that FIRST i am the bride of Christ; that i must give my heart, surrender it, fully and completely to Him FIRST. Miss Vicky said today that Christ captured Casey's heart when she was a little girl and now He is sharing it with Nathan. what an amazing gift. Casey and Nathan always say they had confidence in their love relationship when they realized they could serve God better together than apart. i love that. and i would be lying if i said i did not pray for that for myself. to be honest, i pray that is truth for all who marry.

today was the rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal dinner, a time of worship and a bridal shower. at the rehearsal i met leslie. leslie was in a music ministry with nathan at MC. the group produced a cd; a cd that occupies my player more than *NSync (that is serious). i was basically a groupie as i talked to leslie about the whole Adopted thing; i was in the company of greatness. that moment was sooned topped when nathan led worship on the night before his wedding. Jesus is immediately present when nathan leads. he has an amazing gift. anyway, as we all sang and titus gave a brief message and a prayer, i was reminded of who i am, in Him. two more things: we are His; i am His. i was a slave; i am free. "glory be to my Father who reigns, for i met Him and i can not be the same. when in bondage to Jesus i came, He took my place and He changed my name."

there's a hidden track on the cd, and i encourage you...
shout it loud do not hold back raise your voice like a trumpet
He is good to me and His kindness endures
honor and majesty strength and gladness in His place