my inner girly girl

for as long as i can remember, i have not gotten along very well with girls--particularly the girly girl variety. you know the ones. they always have their makeup on perfectly, their hair is always done perfectly, and they have both manis and pedis. i am not sure why, i just have never really related. (no judgement, just my reality) don't get me wrong. i have girlfriends; i am blessed to know and love many amazing women and even a few girly girls.

the point?

i am not sure.

lately, more than ever, i unwittingly have been uncovering my own inner girly girl. i don't get along with her particularly well either. and with each layer of cucumber facial masque i peel off, i find some new girly girl part of me i never knew existed. i despise each new layer that is revealed more than i did the previous one.

some background: i have worn makeup to work all but two days this school year. my hair has grown longer and requires daily attention. both of these changes win me great praise and compliments from friends, family, coworkers and students. at 34 years old, i am as boy crazy as ever. but. all of that coupled with traditional, Christian values and a model of courtship (which some might call old fashioned) it seems i am supposed to adhere to, has created a void. a black hole. i feel trapped. almost suffocated. trapped by the expectations of the world. suffocated by the notion that how i look reflects accurately who i am, how i feel, or what i believe. i am stuck between wanting to be "more beautiful" outwardly so that people might want to actually get to know me inwardly and totally resisting buying into the myth and selling out to the world. the truth is, all i wanted to do (as Stacy "What Not to Wear" London would say) was present a more professional appearance. i made a choice; what i loathe is that the choice i made has now become an expectation. what if one morning i wake up and don't want to put on eye shadow? will i be a any less a teacher? a sister? a friend? a daughter? a Christian? the more i am supposed to be myself, the less i am able to be. even in Christ, in whom alone i trust, my best never feels like enough. i guess the truth is it isn't. it won't ever be. and as sad, empty and alone as that often makes me feel, i mustn't rely on those feelings.

the bottom line? i hate that i have sold out. i hate believing that to be accepted, to be beautiful, to be the girl worth taking a risk for -- to be the girl worth pursuing -- i must have a pedicure and my hair did (as it were). i hate feeling not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not submissive enough. ugh! i abhor those girly girl parts of me. i detest that i allow myself to believe it.

what makes it even worse? this lie is multiplied exponentially when a co-worker says how pretty my makeup looks, or when a student compliments me asking how much weight i have lost, or when a friend--or a stranger--says they like my outfit, or my glasses or my haircut. i believe them. i allow it to give me value--to define me. i travel further down the spiral. it is sick and twisted. it is depraved, and it is a lie.

my value comes from Him. my head knows this. my heart wants to believe it. but it can't. i know that without Him, i am nothing; you are nothing; without Him, none of us is. i just have to keep reminding myself that His ways are higher and better than my own...or theirs.

anyway...thanks for letting me vent here. my trusted co-worker would call this "guts on the table." i think i will just call it a pity party.

Gracious and Heavenly Father, Lord Most High. thank you for loving me completely and totally. thank you for being my comforter and protector when i am cold and all alone. thank you for being a warrior on my behalf. thank you for blessing me with people who love me and who are willing to talk about my struggles and share their own. i pray Father that i would believe You--not pridefully, but in a way that is glorifying to You. i pray that i would find my value and worth in You alone and that my life would be transformed by You. i pray that you would give me the strength to dismiss the expectations of the world, and the wisdom to live out the plans You have for me. amen

p.s. as i finished this entry, i was reminded of a song: "Video," by india.arie, from the album "Acoustic Soul." i hope you like it; it feels like reality. expectation meeting humiliation leading to realization. anyway, here it is.

sometimes i shave my legs and sometimes i don’t
sometimes i comb my hair and sometimes i won’t
depend on how the wind blows, i might even paint my toes
it really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

i’m not the average girl from your video, and i ain’t built like a supermodel
but I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen

i'm not the average girl from your video; my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
no matter what i’m wearing i will always be India.Arie

when i look in the mirror and the only one there is me
every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be,
and i know my Creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes. i’m loving what i see

am i less of a lady if i don’t where panty hose?
my momma said a lady ain’t what she wears but what she knows
but i’ve drawn the conclusion, it’s all an illusion
confusion’s the name of the game
a misconception, a vast deception,
something's got to change

now don’t be offended. this is all my opinion
ain’t nothing that i’m saying's law
this is a true confession of a
life-learned lesson
i was sent here to share with y'all
so get in when you fit in
go on and shine
clear your mind
now’s the time
put your salt on the shelf
go on and love yourself
‘cause everything’s gonna be alright

...what God gave me is just fine