amazing love

if you have read this blog before, you know that during the past year i have had my sights set on a particular young man. i am even surprised myself that "this" has lasted so long. i mean obviously, as i read back through some of the blogs of the past year, i am reminded of the others whose paths mine have crossed, but not one of them was like his.

so here is the thing:

for the past two months (at least) i have been praying for closure. you see, all this time, i assumed this man had no clue i was interested, figuring that if he knew, he would've said something by now. boy, was i wrong. suffice it to say (which is my new favorite phrase, btw), he has known the entire time. thankfully, he let me know he knew before things got too awkward....ok, that part is a lie, but he did let me know that he knew--finally.

and as hard and weird and humiliating as it was, i am so incredibly thankful for that moment. in fact, parts of me wish that singular moment might have been all he and i were ever to be. it wasn't. don't get me wrong, this ending, although a very happy one, may not be what you expect from a happy ending. the short version is this: that singular moment was followed by three days of long talks and fast-and-furious getting to know each other better. literally, in 36 hours, we spoke on the phone for six of them (that is extraordinary to me). and in that time, this man said to me some of the sweetest things i have ever heard; i chose (and still choose) to believe he meant them. over the next several days we talked less, but i realy didn't think too much of it. fast forward a week or so. yesterday morning, i received an email from him stating that although it was difficult for him to say, he was pursuing a relationship with someone else.

is it strange that i am totally o.k. with that?
nope, it is the grace of God. i believe.

please do not misunderstand, this story is not about him, it is about HIM. God is good and faithful and has a plan for each of our lives. i have never believed this more. i think sometimes it is far more about the process than it is about the result. if he and i had ended up together, things would be so much different. maybe better, i assume worse, but really who knows? what i do KNOW is this: i have learned more about myself, who i am in HIM, how people perceive me, who HE is, etc., than i have in a very long time. i pray this "knowledge" sticks. i am so thankful that HE would allow him to teach me some of this--like, i am glad he was the "vessel."

so many times the single women i know quote the "God will give you the desires of your heart" scripture, and i think the problem with that is we assume we know the desires of our hearts. i have learned that, perhaps, we don't know them as well as we thought. all this time, i thought i wanted him, when really the only satisfaction i have in "this" with him or without, is HIM. this is not at all shocking, but such a sweet revelation to me.

for months, i have surrendered "this" to HIM, and HE has been so faithful. HE has given me the desire of my heart. the amazing thing is, what i thought i had wanted so badly and for so long was not it. please, don't get me wrong. i love him (yes, little h him), and he will occupy a special place in my heart in the corner reserved for amazing friends who have forever changed my life. there aren't words to articulate the joys "this" experience has brought me, and i didn't "get the guy." i am a little nervous to see what it might look like if i ever do. GOD is so good. and i say that all of the time, and i mean it all of the the time, and HE is good ALL OF THE TIME.

so i guess this is to encourage you, me, him, all of us. a little heartache just might do all of us some good. don't be so sure that the ones we have our hearts set on are actually the desires of our hearts. remember that HE has a plan, and that HIS ways are higher than ours. that means that the good HE has for us, is better than our feeble minds can even imagine. and, look, i know it is hard in a world that insists that we are incomplete without a man, but when we can somehow, by God's grace, see ourselves as the brides of Christ -- how beautiful. honestly, how could we want, need, ask for more? what an amazing picture.

my devotion this morning said this from The Message: I Corinthians 13:7, "Love...puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best." Certainly, i do not write that here to say stay in your abusive realtionship or ANYTHING LIKE THAT. i write it to say, well to say, what Eugene Peterson said better than i can:

"The freedom that comes from a life of faith has a quietness and a naturalness to it. It is not assertive or ostentatious...I don't think that we discover this primarily in the passionate acts of love that immerse us in a sea of ectasy. For the most part we must not look for it in the dramatic, in the parade, or in the honeymoon. We must express it in the minute decisions we make in regards to our gestures and words....At the last minute, as it were, when everything else has done its work and made its contribution, there is freedom to change a tone of voice, to write a sentence in a letter, to make a telephone call--the freedom to love."

i love the beauty and simplicity and truth of that. i feel like i am always trying and never just being. perhaps that is a topic for another blog another day.

thank you, mr. him. i love you and am praying for you both.

Father, thank you for revealing yourself to me in new ways, and for revealing myself to me as well. i am not sure where you are leading, but i am sure that, with Your help, i will follow...anywhere. thanks for loving me. Amen