It has been a really long time since I have blogged. It's too bad too, because it is really cathartic for me. Why spend $100s every month for therapy, when i can blog for free (basically)? Maybe someday wireless internet access will be available to me at my house (and by my house, I mean my parents house. hello, failure to launch).
Today has been a weird day. I awoke to the news that the guy i was interested in from July '05 to July '06 is engaged. Please do not get me wrong. I am so happy for him. I am not interested in him anymore. But pretty much any time a friend of mine is dating someone seriously, or gets engaged, or gets married, i *feel* pretty worthless. obviously, i know all of the answers: "You are beautiful to Him;" "God has someone for you;" "You will find someone;" "It is better not to settle." BLaH, BLaH, BLaH. I know all that, and most of me even believes it. In fact until about January, I was content in my singlehood. I felt like I could've been happily single forever.
Now, it seems all I have been doing is trying to find my way back to that place. I want to click the heels of my sparkly red ballet slippers three times and magically be back there. No luck. Thankfully, I do find peace and comfort in talking to God about it. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I feel miserable. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I think this part sucks. I love that I know He will see me through this time of anger and longing. It would do me no good to try and hide these feelings from God. He knows. I love that He knows. I know He will bring me back to the place where I feel like He is enough. I believe that to be TRUTH, but somehow right now I can't live lilke that. Well, I suppose I *can*, but for whatever reason, I am not. I am wallowing. I should stop that.
I feel like I need companionship. I want it. It is not in a God-is-not-enough way; I am fulfilled by Him; I am complete in Him. BUT. I want to cook for, clean for, share with, be taken care of, to love and to be loved by somebody.
All of that being said, I am not desparate. I am willing to wait, and I am unwilling to settle. It's just that in the meantime that stinks.
So, in the meantime. I am still trying to figure out how this whole 34-year-old, single, Christian woman thing works. My eHarmony account expired, and I have chosen not to pursue that anymore. It is expensive and has been fruitless thus far. So where do I meet people -- eligible men, to be specific. OH, and by eligible, I mean single, unmarried, and preferably straight. That's not too much to ask, is it? Man, I hope not. Anyway, in the meantime. I am still relatively boy crazy. Although at my age perhaps I ought to change that to man crazy. I have crushes often; I like to think of it as being really good at seeing the best in the opposite sex. A justification I am sure.
So, in the meantime. My heart feels (who knows whether I can trust these feelings) attracted to a really awesome guy. He has so many of the qualities I would want in a mate. Saying he has many of them does not mean he is lacking any; it is a process of uncovering what is there or not. I have no clue if he is even remotely interested in me back. Time will tell. I will do my best not to pursue, as it is not the Christian woman thing to do. (Unfortunately, it pretty much goes against every instinct I have.)
thanks for letting me ramble. if i grading myself on this blog, it would score very low on organization. oh well....
