9.05.2007
to make you smile
a high school classmate of mine posted some really great pictures recently. you should check them out.
9.04.2007
an addition
i finally published a post i wrote in may. it is below, dated 5/29. strangely, the same still applies. the more things change
p.s. nicaragua post is coming...about half done now.
God- thank you for being my hope, my peace, my rest. thank you for being the unattainable goal. and for being the only way to attain it...i bet you know what i mean...you're God. thank you, i love you.
p.s. nicaragua post is coming...about half done now.
God- thank you for being my hope, my peace, my rest. thank you for being the unattainable goal. and for being the only way to attain it...i bet you know what i mean...you're God. thank you, i love you.
9.03.2007
a nephew, a niece and another nephew
in the years since thier wedding day, july 5, 2003, my brother and sister-in-law have produced three offspring. in case you have been living under a rock, or are otherwise calendar deficient, today is sept. 3, 2007, only four years and two months-ish of marriage. so, nathan turned three on August "firty-first," and is having a fire truck at his birthday party on Saturday. Raeanne will be 19 months old on Sept 15, and Trey is about six weeks old. Three kids-- three and under.
so although i think they are a tad bit on the crazy side, i am also so lucky that they are very good at baby making. here's why: i have been so amazingly and abundantly blessed by these three kids, that i could never have even imagined it or thought to ask, hope, or wish for it.
nathan is one of the sweetest kids ever; he is smart too. he remembers everything. he knows who gave him what when and for what occassion. he said when he grows up, he wants to be a doctor. he is obsessed with making sure i am ok--checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart (he always says, "take a deep breath in"), and giving me shots (those plastic toy syringes are no joke--they hurt). he also takes good care of his little sister and brother. the other day, raerae was upset because her bottle was empty, and she wanted a drink. she was screaming and crying while my brother quickly prepared her refill. nathan gently and graciously walked over to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the kitchen. he pointed to his daddy, and said, "look raerae. it's ok. see. daddy is fixing your drink." as david walked to the couch with her bottle, in an attempt to get her to nap, nathan followed behind, still holding his sister's hand leading her to her daddy's arms. it was so sweet. ok, one more. on the day carri and david brought trey home from the hospital, we all went up there to film the event. carri and david brought trey in his carrier into the waiting room. we all left, my dad (poppy) leading the way, walking backward with the camera. david carried the weight of the carrier, but nathan would simply NOT let go of it, even for a second. and as we turned the corner down the long hallway to the elevator, nathan stopped -- careful not to lose contact with his baby brother's carrier, looked in at him, looked at us, and began to gingerly jumo up and down repeating emphatically, "i love him! i love him! i love him!"
raeanne is a piece of work. sometimes i think she may be even smarter than nathan. she is gonna be trouble. in a good way. she has such a strong, outgoing, and hilarious personality. and she ain't scared of nothing. she loves to put the big flamingo pillow on the floor in front of her bed and just faceplant, falling off the bed into the pillow. tonight, we went to eat at Steak and Shake. she greeted every single person who came in, walked by, came over. she also bid them adieu. as we left, one of the other patrons suggested we enter her in a pageant. "she has the wave," she said. i replied, "don't let her mother hear you say that. she already put big brother in one, and he won."
trey. what can i say? so far, all he does is eat, sleep and poo. but i have to give him credit. he is the best baby. he is so content. unless he is seriously hungry, he NEVER cries. he is amazing. the best. i can't wait to watch his little personality develop like his brother and sister.
so basically, thanks dave and carri, for making me an auntie. they are the best kids. i love them so much.
Father God, thank you for blessing my family with these three children. i pray, God, they will know you, their lives will be enriched, and that you will be glorifir in the process. God, let your will be done in their lives.
so although i think they are a tad bit on the crazy side, i am also so lucky that they are very good at baby making. here's why: i have been so amazingly and abundantly blessed by these three kids, that i could never have even imagined it or thought to ask, hope, or wish for it.
nathan is one of the sweetest kids ever; he is smart too. he remembers everything. he knows who gave him what when and for what occassion. he said when he grows up, he wants to be a doctor. he is obsessed with making sure i am ok--checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart (he always says, "take a deep breath in"), and giving me shots (those plastic toy syringes are no joke--they hurt). he also takes good care of his little sister and brother. the other day, raerae was upset because her bottle was empty, and she wanted a drink. she was screaming and crying while my brother quickly prepared her refill. nathan gently and graciously walked over to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the kitchen. he pointed to his daddy, and said, "look raerae. it's ok. see. daddy is fixing your drink." as david walked to the couch with her bottle, in an attempt to get her to nap, nathan followed behind, still holding his sister's hand leading her to her daddy's arms. it was so sweet. ok, one more. on the day carri and david brought trey home from the hospital, we all went up there to film the event. carri and david brought trey in his carrier into the waiting room. we all left, my dad (poppy) leading the way, walking backward with the camera. david carried the weight of the carrier, but nathan would simply NOT let go of it, even for a second. and as we turned the corner down the long hallway to the elevator, nathan stopped -- careful not to lose contact with his baby brother's carrier, looked in at him, looked at us, and began to gingerly jumo up and down repeating emphatically, "i love him! i love him! i love him!"
raeanne is a piece of work. sometimes i think she may be even smarter than nathan. she is gonna be trouble. in a good way. she has such a strong, outgoing, and hilarious personality. and she ain't scared of nothing. she loves to put the big flamingo pillow on the floor in front of her bed and just faceplant, falling off the bed into the pillow. tonight, we went to eat at Steak and Shake. she greeted every single person who came in, walked by, came over. she also bid them adieu. as we left, one of the other patrons suggested we enter her in a pageant. "she has the wave," she said. i replied, "don't let her mother hear you say that. she already put big brother in one, and he won."
trey. what can i say? so far, all he does is eat, sleep and poo. but i have to give him credit. he is the best baby. he is so content. unless he is seriously hungry, he NEVER cries. he is amazing. the best. i can't wait to watch his little personality develop like his brother and sister.
so basically, thanks dave and carri, for making me an auntie. they are the best kids. i love them so much.
Father God, thank you for blessing my family with these three children. i pray, God, they will know you, their lives will be enriched, and that you will be glorifir in the process. God, let your will be done in their lives.
8.29.2007
long time coming
i feel like that should'vee been hyphenated, but who knows. i teach English for half a day for 180 days out of the year, and still i have to look up crazy rules. for now, i am just too lazy. apologies.
so much has happened this summer and it was all great, and all of it will be covered in upcoming blogs about nick, and nicaragua, and my new little nephew. for now, i just needed to get back up on the horse...to test the proverbial waters...to feel safe here again. safe enough that i can put my thoughts and feelings out there into cyberspace and rest that there will be no judgment. hope that no one and everyone will read my rants and offer support, advice, love. peace that costs less than weekly visits to a shrink is infinitely more cathartic.
so here i am, thanks to my father's monthly investment in high-speed cable internet (roadrunner...BEEP!BEEP!), ready to put it all out there again...i think...
so stay tuned. i will start...hmm...well...either in my present state of confusion and sadness and work back...OR maybe i will start in the blissful memories of a summer that ended days ago but seems forever away.
peace and love
God, give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificaent obsession, give me one glorious ambition for my life: to know and follow hard after you, to grow as your disciple in Your truth. lead me on, and i will run after You.
so much has happened this summer and it was all great, and all of it will be covered in upcoming blogs about nick, and nicaragua, and my new little nephew. for now, i just needed to get back up on the horse...to test the proverbial waters...to feel safe here again. safe enough that i can put my thoughts and feelings out there into cyberspace and rest that there will be no judgment. hope that no one and everyone will read my rants and offer support, advice, love. peace that costs less than weekly visits to a shrink is infinitely more cathartic.
so here i am, thanks to my father's monthly investment in high-speed cable internet (roadrunner...BEEP!BEEP!), ready to put it all out there again...i think...
so stay tuned. i will start...hmm...well...either in my present state of confusion and sadness and work back...OR maybe i will start in the blissful memories of a summer that ended days ago but seems forever away.
peace and love
God, give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificaent obsession, give me one glorious ambition for my life: to know and follow hard after you, to grow as your disciple in Your truth. lead me on, and i will run after You.
5.29.2007
well i am up later than normal, with everything and nothing to say. i can't sleep. my insecurities have sent me into the proverbial tailspin. a tension headache lurks behind the next corner, i am certain. that may be all i am certain of. that and the power and significance of the Trinity. amazing grace. amazing love. amazing. period. in the meantime, i am haunted by my job and my future in this job or in any other. i love where i work. i love teaching. i love students. i love learning and growing with and before them; i love watching them grow. but i have no clue what i want to be when i grow up. as i am fully immersed in my mid-30s, i feel like i should have some clue as to my "calling;" that is, what does God want me to do? i am reminded of the life verse of a dear friend of mine who is moving away. Micah 6:8, "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." i can rest in that for a moment. inevitably the moment passes, and all i am left with is more questions. then i remember Psalm 121, a paraphrase: I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. again I can rest there, if only for a moment. my current situation finds me spending more and more time with a man of God who knows exactly what his passion is, and he lives out that passion with and for God. no pressure. speaking of that... i am a bumbling idiot. i do not trust or believe enough that i am a daughter of God THE FATHER. i can not seem to wrap my head around the fact that i just might be worth it--that some smart, funny, attractive, driven, motivated man of God might be interested in pursuing me. so in order to thinly veil my shortcomings and neediness, i spew forth all of this ick from my lips like green slimey make believe vomit from a recently exorcised b-movie actress. look, the bottom line is this: in the immortal words of BonJovi, "i don't know where I'm going, only God knows where I've been..." ok, that one really doesn't apply. so the bottom line is this: i am confused. all i want to be is obedient. all i want to do is abide. i want to take note of the details about life--about God's creation--and appreciate them. i want to embody the character of Christ and live it out in my life. in whatever career i end up in, and in whatever relationship God blesses me with, i want Him to be glorified. He is the answer; I know it...i just am not always sure what to do with it.... grace, peace and love... goodnight
5.16.2007
two...two..two blogs in one
#1) go limp
last wednesday in chapel, i experienced Christ in a whole new way. i had a picture of Him i will not soon forget and must share.
here's what happened: i reminded myself -my spirit- to worship; i.e., not just to sing empty words, but to sing the songs as praises and prayers to The King. i can't even remember what we sang exactly, but i remember this: i was prone to distraction. i closed my eyes. i felt the Spirit leading my right hand up into the air. my flesh was self-conscious, but my soul didn't care. i kept singing. loudly. too loudly maybe. as i closed my eyes, i saw what God was trying to tell me: i am like a little baby, and not in the good way. not in the with faith like a child way. but in a bad way. a disgraceful way. (p.s. i now for the first time fully captured the meaning of the word disgraceful.) this is what i saw and felt. God reached down with His big, ever-present, omnipotent hand and picked me up by the wrist. He let me dangle there. on one hand, i felt safe in the arms of my Abba father. on the other, i knew i was being convicted.
have you ever been in the mall or the supermarket when the tantrum of a two-year-old ensues? the parents have had it, and they choose to grab the screaming child by the wrist, snatch him up off the floor, and carry him away. i used to work retail, and i saw this all of the time. the point isn't the appropriateness of the parental reaction to his child's misbehavior. the point is the child's reaction to the parent's admonition. generally, the reactions of children being reprimanded in such a way is to go limp. i am not sure why. likely, there is some deep seeded psychological, nature vs. nurture, Freudian explanation, but i don't know it, and i don't care.
the point is this: as God lovingly rebukes me in my own disobedience, i go limp. i resist His gentle, helpful embrace. i trade His sacrifice for the temporary pleasure of the world. a harsh realization.
so that is the picture. God protecting me from myself and from the world, and i go limp. what a shame.
Father, when your loving arm reaches down to snatch me up from the strongholds of the world, i pray that rather than going limp, i would climb up Your arm and into the gentle lap of Your embrace. i pray, Father, that i would be obedient in the big things and in the small, that your name might be glorified by my life. and, Abba, i thank you for who You are, for the attributes of Your character that are revealed in everything i see around me.
#2) oh, how times have changed.
my last blog was some rant about ben being engaged. isn't it strange how quickly things that used to be of pimary import one day are all but forgotten the next. as i revisit the last entry, it is difficult to imagine that i gave any of that a second thought.
i feel like my whole life has been turned upside down in the matter two weeks or less. that is all....for now...
Thank you, Father. Thank you.
last wednesday in chapel, i experienced Christ in a whole new way. i had a picture of Him i will not soon forget and must share.
here's what happened: i reminded myself -my spirit- to worship; i.e., not just to sing empty words, but to sing the songs as praises and prayers to The King. i can't even remember what we sang exactly, but i remember this: i was prone to distraction. i closed my eyes. i felt the Spirit leading my right hand up into the air. my flesh was self-conscious, but my soul didn't care. i kept singing. loudly. too loudly maybe. as i closed my eyes, i saw what God was trying to tell me: i am like a little baby, and not in the good way. not in the with faith like a child way. but in a bad way. a disgraceful way. (p.s. i now for the first time fully captured the meaning of the word disgraceful.) this is what i saw and felt. God reached down with His big, ever-present, omnipotent hand and picked me up by the wrist. He let me dangle there. on one hand, i felt safe in the arms of my Abba father. on the other, i knew i was being convicted.
have you ever been in the mall or the supermarket when the tantrum of a two-year-old ensues? the parents have had it, and they choose to grab the screaming child by the wrist, snatch him up off the floor, and carry him away. i used to work retail, and i saw this all of the time. the point isn't the appropriateness of the parental reaction to his child's misbehavior. the point is the child's reaction to the parent's admonition. generally, the reactions of children being reprimanded in such a way is to go limp. i am not sure why. likely, there is some deep seeded psychological, nature vs. nurture, Freudian explanation, but i don't know it, and i don't care.
the point is this: as God lovingly rebukes me in my own disobedience, i go limp. i resist His gentle, helpful embrace. i trade His sacrifice for the temporary pleasure of the world. a harsh realization.
so that is the picture. God protecting me from myself and from the world, and i go limp. what a shame.
Father, when your loving arm reaches down to snatch me up from the strongholds of the world, i pray that rather than going limp, i would climb up Your arm and into the gentle lap of Your embrace. i pray, Father, that i would be obedient in the big things and in the small, that your name might be glorified by my life. and, Abba, i thank you for who You are, for the attributes of Your character that are revealed in everything i see around me.
#2) oh, how times have changed.
my last blog was some rant about ben being engaged. isn't it strange how quickly things that used to be of pimary import one day are all but forgotten the next. as i revisit the last entry, it is difficult to imagine that i gave any of that a second thought.
i feel like my whole life has been turned upside down in the matter two weeks or less. that is all....for now...
Thank you, Father. Thank you.
3.15.2007
long time coming
It has been a really long time since I have blogged. It's too bad too, because it is really cathartic for me. Why spend $100s every month for therapy, when i can blog for free (basically)? Maybe someday wireless internet access will be available to me at my house (and by my house, I mean my parents house. hello, failure to launch).
Today has been a weird day. I awoke to the news that the guy i was interested in from July '05 to July '06 is engaged. Please do not get me wrong. I am so happy for him. I am not interested in him anymore. But pretty much any time a friend of mine is dating someone seriously, or gets engaged, or gets married, i *feel* pretty worthless. obviously, i know all of the answers: "You are beautiful to Him;" "God has someone for you;" "You will find someone;" "It is better not to settle." BLaH, BLaH, BLaH. I know all that, and most of me even believes it. In fact until about January, I was content in my singlehood. I felt like I could've been happily single forever.
Now, it seems all I have been doing is trying to find my way back to that place. I want to click the heels of my sparkly red ballet slippers three times and magically be back there. No luck. Thankfully, I do find peace and comfort in talking to God about it. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I feel miserable. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I think this part sucks. I love that I know He will see me through this time of anger and longing. It would do me no good to try and hide these feelings from God. He knows. I love that He knows. I know He will bring me back to the place where I feel like He is enough. I believe that to be TRUTH, but somehow right now I can't live lilke that. Well, I suppose I *can*, but for whatever reason, I am not. I am wallowing. I should stop that.
I feel like I need companionship. I want it. It is not in a God-is-not-enough way; I am fulfilled by Him; I am complete in Him. BUT. I want to cook for, clean for, share with, be taken care of, to love and to be loved by somebody.
All of that being said, I am not desparate. I am willing to wait, and I am unwilling to settle. It's just that in the meantime that stinks.
So, in the meantime. I am still trying to figure out how this whole 34-year-old, single, Christian woman thing works. My eHarmony account expired, and I have chosen not to pursue that anymore. It is expensive and has been fruitless thus far. So where do I meet people -- eligible men, to be specific. OH, and by eligible, I mean single, unmarried, and preferably straight. That's not too much to ask, is it? Man, I hope not. Anyway, in the meantime. I am still relatively boy crazy. Although at my age perhaps I ought to change that to man crazy. I have crushes often; I like to think of it as being really good at seeing the best in the opposite sex. A justification I am sure.
So, in the meantime. My heart feels (who knows whether I can trust these feelings) attracted to a really awesome guy. He has so many of the qualities I would want in a mate. Saying he has many of them does not mean he is lacking any; it is a process of uncovering what is there or not. I have no clue if he is even remotely interested in me back. Time will tell. I will do my best not to pursue, as it is not the Christian woman thing to do. (Unfortunately, it pretty much goes against every instinct I have.)
thanks for letting me ramble. if i grading myself on this blog, it would score very low on organization. oh well....
Today has been a weird day. I awoke to the news that the guy i was interested in from July '05 to July '06 is engaged. Please do not get me wrong. I am so happy for him. I am not interested in him anymore. But pretty much any time a friend of mine is dating someone seriously, or gets engaged, or gets married, i *feel* pretty worthless. obviously, i know all of the answers: "You are beautiful to Him;" "God has someone for you;" "You will find someone;" "It is better not to settle." BLaH, BLaH, BLaH. I know all that, and most of me even believes it. In fact until about January, I was content in my singlehood. I felt like I could've been happily single forever.
Now, it seems all I have been doing is trying to find my way back to that place. I want to click the heels of my sparkly red ballet slippers three times and magically be back there. No luck. Thankfully, I do find peace and comfort in talking to God about it. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I feel miserable. I love that I have the freedom to tell God that I think this part sucks. I love that I know He will see me through this time of anger and longing. It would do me no good to try and hide these feelings from God. He knows. I love that He knows. I know He will bring me back to the place where I feel like He is enough. I believe that to be TRUTH, but somehow right now I can't live lilke that. Well, I suppose I *can*, but for whatever reason, I am not. I am wallowing. I should stop that.
I feel like I need companionship. I want it. It is not in a God-is-not-enough way; I am fulfilled by Him; I am complete in Him. BUT. I want to cook for, clean for, share with, be taken care of, to love and to be loved by somebody.
All of that being said, I am not desparate. I am willing to wait, and I am unwilling to settle. It's just that in the meantime that stinks.
So, in the meantime. I am still trying to figure out how this whole 34-year-old, single, Christian woman thing works. My eHarmony account expired, and I have chosen not to pursue that anymore. It is expensive and has been fruitless thus far. So where do I meet people -- eligible men, to be specific. OH, and by eligible, I mean single, unmarried, and preferably straight. That's not too much to ask, is it? Man, I hope not. Anyway, in the meantime. I am still relatively boy crazy. Although at my age perhaps I ought to change that to man crazy. I have crushes often; I like to think of it as being really good at seeing the best in the opposite sex. A justification I am sure.
So, in the meantime. My heart feels (who knows whether I can trust these feelings) attracted to a really awesome guy. He has so many of the qualities I would want in a mate. Saying he has many of them does not mean he is lacking any; it is a process of uncovering what is there or not. I have no clue if he is even remotely interested in me back. Time will tell. I will do my best not to pursue, as it is not the Christian woman thing to do. (Unfortunately, it pretty much goes against every instinct I have.)
thanks for letting me ramble. if i grading myself on this blog, it would score very low on organization. oh well....
1.29.2007
feel like bloggin,
but don't have much to say. this weekend was weird.
friday night was good -- bonding with the dancers over tabrets and dinner, a movie with susan, fun laughs and a coffee after...good times.
saturday was cool too...lunch with ranew and a cookout. good times. also, i talked to joel and daniel -- refreshing conversations, to be sure. i miss those men. it was good to talk with them.
sunday i was sick...it was bad. i slept all day, and then could not sleep at night. yuck. i did get my closet cleaned out.
i still feel not my best, but it will be all good. i have to do laundry, clean the downstairs and the pool. too bad it is cold weather out. although it is a welcome break, it makes pool cleaning less exhilarating than normal.
i love Jesus.
and i guess that's pretty much it.
i am off to work on boostesing my confidentiality. peace out brethren and sisters...
friday night was good -- bonding with the dancers over tabrets and dinner, a movie with susan, fun laughs and a coffee after...good times.
saturday was cool too...lunch with ranew and a cookout. good times. also, i talked to joel and daniel -- refreshing conversations, to be sure. i miss those men. it was good to talk with them.
sunday i was sick...it was bad. i slept all day, and then could not sleep at night. yuck. i did get my closet cleaned out.
i still feel not my best, but it will be all good. i have to do laundry, clean the downstairs and the pool. too bad it is cold weather out. although it is a welcome break, it makes pool cleaning less exhilarating than normal.
i love Jesus.
and i guess that's pretty much it.
i am off to work on boostesing my confidentiality. peace out brethren and sisters...
1.17.2007
thank God...
two posts in as many days...shocking
anyway, so many of you know i love Oprah. (sidenote: i almost had to initiate a friendship breakup recently when my bff called Oprah the anti-Christ and misidentified an *NSync song as the Backstreet Boys all within three minutes. it was rough.) and i love music. and i love it when songs are given to me to answers the questions that haunt me.
today i have two songs...and you are probably wondering why i mentioned Oprah. here's why: Carly Simon was on Oprah yesterday with her kids Sally and Ben Taylor. i love Carly Simon, don't know much about Sally, and i love Ben Taylor (and his dad James too). so here is the deal. immediately after Oprah, I was on my way to church and had grabbed my both Carly Simon "Reflections" cd and Ben Taylor Band EP. I wanted to hear two very specific songs. the first was featured on "American Dreams" several years ago. on that show, Ben Taylor played a singer in the bar that Patty, the pregnant wife of the Pryor's eldest son JJ, worked at. he sang the song "Surround Me" on the show and released it on an EP. anyway...lyrics to follow.
the second song i wanted to hear was Carly Simon's "Let the River Run," an Academy Award winning song from the Melanie Griffin movie "Working Girl." it is such a powerful song. it reminds me of my purpose. the bigger one. the significant one. anyway, as i skipped through to number 15 on the cd, i obviously passed by some amazing Carly Simon hits.
SIDEBAR: i am no Carly Simon connosuier (or however you spell it), but i have to tell you a HUGE pet peeve of mine. it drives me nuts when people say,"Oh, i love (insert name of favorite musician here). their song (insert name of most widely-known, over-played, pop-radio song here) is amazing." for example, "i love Barry Manilow. His song "Mandy" is amazing." Give me a break. if you really loved Barry Manilow, you would know that is not his best effort--most popular, perhaps--best, not by a long shot (at least in my humble, albeit assertive, opinion). another example, "i love Prince. Purple Rain was so good." the sheer volume of Prince music is far too expansive to be summed up in the theme song to an '80s biopic. i mean...it is a great song, and it isn't a terrible movie, but if you love Prince, is that really the evidence you would use to support your claim? see what i mean?
my point is this. although i grabbed the cd fully intending to (and actually listening to) "Let the River Run," an entirely different song now runs repeatedly through my head. and it answers that little inner girly girl i cited two posts ago. "You belong to Me" is the song. it is one of those i have probably heard a million times growing up, but never really paid attention to. i assume that, because when it began to play i didn't know that i knew it and yet proceeded to sing every word. so, not every word is relevant to the aforementioned predicament, but some are.
thank you Father. thank you for giving people gifts to share. thank you for inspiring me. thank you for allowing me to see truth in the darkness. thank you for allowing me and for encouraging me to claim truth where i find it. You are truth, God. and if there is truth out there, i must believe it is you. my prayer continues with the words of another, Father. please accept them as my own prayer...
anyway, so many of you know i love Oprah. (sidenote: i almost had to initiate a friendship breakup recently when my bff called Oprah the anti-Christ and misidentified an *NSync song as the Backstreet Boys all within three minutes. it was rough.) and i love music. and i love it when songs are given to me to answers the questions that haunt me.
today i have two songs...and you are probably wondering why i mentioned Oprah. here's why: Carly Simon was on Oprah yesterday with her kids Sally and Ben Taylor. i love Carly Simon, don't know much about Sally, and i love Ben Taylor (and his dad James too). so here is the deal. immediately after Oprah, I was on my way to church and had grabbed my both Carly Simon "Reflections" cd and Ben Taylor Band EP. I wanted to hear two very specific songs. the first was featured on "American Dreams" several years ago. on that show, Ben Taylor played a singer in the bar that Patty, the pregnant wife of the Pryor's eldest son JJ, worked at. he sang the song "Surround Me" on the show and released it on an EP. anyway...lyrics to follow.
the second song i wanted to hear was Carly Simon's "Let the River Run," an Academy Award winning song from the Melanie Griffin movie "Working Girl." it is such a powerful song. it reminds me of my purpose. the bigger one. the significant one. anyway, as i skipped through to number 15 on the cd, i obviously passed by some amazing Carly Simon hits.
SIDEBAR: i am no Carly Simon connosuier (or however you spell it), but i have to tell you a HUGE pet peeve of mine. it drives me nuts when people say,"Oh, i love (insert name of favorite musician here). their song (insert name of most widely-known, over-played, pop-radio song here) is amazing." for example, "i love Barry Manilow. His song "Mandy" is amazing." Give me a break. if you really loved Barry Manilow, you would know that is not his best effort--most popular, perhaps--best, not by a long shot (at least in my humble, albeit assertive, opinion). another example, "i love Prince. Purple Rain was so good." the sheer volume of Prince music is far too expansive to be summed up in the theme song to an '80s biopic. i mean...it is a great song, and it isn't a terrible movie, but if you love Prince, is that really the evidence you would use to support your claim? see what i mean?
my point is this. although i grabbed the cd fully intending to (and actually listening to) "Let the River Run," an entirely different song now runs repeatedly through my head. and it answers that little inner girly girl i cited two posts ago. "You belong to Me" is the song. it is one of those i have probably heard a million times growing up, but never really paid attention to. i assume that, because when it began to play i didn't know that i knew it and yet proceeded to sing every word. so, not every word is relevant to the aforementioned predicament, but some are.
so here's my two sense worth on all of that. i feel like God is reminding me that i am His; that He sees me as His beautiful creation. He is the "I," i am the "you," and "her" is the world. He sees me as beautiful. He reminds me that He loves me, yet i continually try to prove myself and my worth to Him and to the world. both efforts are futile. i can't prove my worth to Him, because my only worth is in Him. at the same time, trying to be enough for the world is assinine. i really love the ending, "I know you from a long time ago, baby. Don't leave me to go to her now." in Psalm 139:13-16, this point is made. "Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day." i feel like God is saying gently, "Look, Trace, I created you. You are mine. That is enough. Believe it. Don't leave me. I know you inside and out. I know you past, present, and future. And I love you. Believe Me." ok, so the truth is, i may be way, way off. but does it matter. if i can draw renewed confidence in my savior and creator, if i can believe Him, isn't that the point?Why'd you tell me this?
Were you looking for my reaction?
What do you need to know?
Don't you know you'll always be my girl
You don't have to prove to me you're beautiful to strangers
I've got loving eyes of my own
You belong to me
Tell her you were fooling
You don't even know her
Tell her that I love you
You belong to me
Can it be, honey, that you're not sure
You belong to me
Thought we'd closed the book - locked the door
And I can tell
I can tell darling tell her
tell her that I love you
You belong to me
I know you from a long time ago, baby
Don't leave me to go to her now
thank you Father. thank you for giving people gifts to share. thank you for inspiring me. thank you for allowing me to see truth in the darkness. thank you for allowing me and for encouraging me to claim truth where i find it. You are truth, God. and if there is truth out there, i must believe it is you. my prayer continues with the words of another, Father. please accept them as my own prayer...
Love, surround me. today, tomorrow and the next day. every moment. i love you. amen.Love, surround me with all Your reach now while we're here alone
now our bodies are ocean and beach, lessons of waves and stones
floating a lonely sound You found me, and now that the tide is finally down
surround me; surround me; surround me
and, Love, move for me; roll beneath the sky
shadows and silver cross Your face, pulls a moonlit night
weak from standing on sandy ground You found me
and now that I'm finally falling down
surround me; surround me; surround me
Love, surround me while You can till these waves grow cold
i've gone too deep; icannot stand; i burned before i froze
running to save my life and leaving You
and now in the heat of this dreadful dry, i'm needing You
surround me; surround me; surround me
1.16.2007
careful what you wish for...or not...
for a while now, i have wanted conversation. dialogue. to connect. not to just casually connect, but to really engage openly and honestly with someone...anyone. i never actually prayed about it. i never asked God to bring me people with whom to have these conversations; they remained the quiet longings of my spirit. thankfully, God knows those too.
i first recognized my need for such interactions about two years ago. nathan, byron, sexton and i would go to murdocks in cocoa village every now and then. after, we would end up in my nearby apartment sharing our thoughts, beliefs, philosophies, theology. usually, we focused on God, but we didn't have to. whether or not He was the center of our conversation, He was always present there. i know this because in these moments, we were free. free to be right. free to be wrong. free to be scared. free to be ignorant. but as time went on, our lives changed. we moved on. the group at murdock's got bigger. then smaller. then it moved to different locations. and i have been a part of some of these conversations too, but few have quenched my thirst.
until recently.
twice during the (nearly three-week long) Christmas holiday, God answered these quiet longings of my spirit. twice i found myself enjoying the company of people. twice i found myself free to be myself. twice i found myself able to laugh and cry almost simultaneously. how beautiful. i am so blessed to have had the conversations.
the first was girl's day with susan. the plan was to see a movie, shop, and eat. pretty simple. and we did all of that. this time was different somehow than all of the times we had hung out before, and it was different than my doing the same activities with anyone else. i love susan; i respect her; i look up to her. but this time i truly felt like we were sisters in Christ. i think we (Christian women) use the "sisters in Christ" thing all of the time, so much so that it feels meaningless. on that thursday afternoon in viera, it was anything but meaningless. in fact, it felt like everything. you know how in the third, or maybe, fifth grade, the really cool, if not mean-spirited joke is the one about "her picture is next to ugly (or some equally cruel and derogatory word) in the dictionary"? that is the best way i can describe our conversation: if there were a dictionary definition of sisters in Christ, it would have been our afternoon. our pictures could be there, next tot the definition in the dictionary. i realize how ridiculous that must sound, but i just have no other way to describe it. i needed it so much. and i am so thankful that i can see susan everyday and not have the pressure of creating or manufacturing another moment, but can look forward with joyful anticipation to it happening again.
the second conversation was the very next day. it felt like the conversation i had waited all my life for. although the converstation was diametrically opposed to the prior day's, it was equally needed and appreciated. a new friendship was born. whatever friendship had been there prior was taken to the next level. it was amazing and very difficult to describe. it was like he was everything i thought he was and more, but also like nothing i could have ever predicted. make sense? i didn't think so. maybe it isn't supposed to. either way, i loved it.
but here is the problem. although i know fully that the Holy Spirit is responsible for my "wishes being granted," my flesh is a little bit bitter that it's over now. should i have wished differently? should i have longed for something else? something a little more specific?
the truth is this. i ought not allow my spirit to be quenched by conversation with others; that is the role of Christ alone. my current bitterness at the loss of my friend (and by loss i mean he moved away, he didn't die or anything), feels like Satan is trying to divert attention from God's goodness and sovereignty. i hate that. i hate that i let that dirty rotten Satan trick me like this. dang!
i am reminded of one of my friend's notebooks. on he it he has the words enscribed "be easily blessed." i should probably remember that.
Gracious Heavenly Father- thank you for sending your people my way. thank you for surrounding me. thank you for community, for the blessings and the challenges that it brings. i know that as i grow through the challenges, you will be glorified. i pray that you will. God, give me wisdom in difficult relationships. Make me strong in You. I love You. amen.
i first recognized my need for such interactions about two years ago. nathan, byron, sexton and i would go to murdocks in cocoa village every now and then. after, we would end up in my nearby apartment sharing our thoughts, beliefs, philosophies, theology. usually, we focused on God, but we didn't have to. whether or not He was the center of our conversation, He was always present there. i know this because in these moments, we were free. free to be right. free to be wrong. free to be scared. free to be ignorant. but as time went on, our lives changed. we moved on. the group at murdock's got bigger. then smaller. then it moved to different locations. and i have been a part of some of these conversations too, but few have quenched my thirst.
until recently.
twice during the (nearly three-week long) Christmas holiday, God answered these quiet longings of my spirit. twice i found myself enjoying the company of people. twice i found myself free to be myself. twice i found myself able to laugh and cry almost simultaneously. how beautiful. i am so blessed to have had the conversations.
the first was girl's day with susan. the plan was to see a movie, shop, and eat. pretty simple. and we did all of that. this time was different somehow than all of the times we had hung out before, and it was different than my doing the same activities with anyone else. i love susan; i respect her; i look up to her. but this time i truly felt like we were sisters in Christ. i think we (Christian women) use the "sisters in Christ" thing all of the time, so much so that it feels meaningless. on that thursday afternoon in viera, it was anything but meaningless. in fact, it felt like everything. you know how in the third, or maybe, fifth grade, the really cool, if not mean-spirited joke is the one about "her picture is next to ugly (or some equally cruel and derogatory word) in the dictionary"? that is the best way i can describe our conversation: if there were a dictionary definition of sisters in Christ, it would have been our afternoon. our pictures could be there, next tot the definition in the dictionary. i realize how ridiculous that must sound, but i just have no other way to describe it. i needed it so much. and i am so thankful that i can see susan everyday and not have the pressure of creating or manufacturing another moment, but can look forward with joyful anticipation to it happening again.
the second conversation was the very next day. it felt like the conversation i had waited all my life for. although the converstation was diametrically opposed to the prior day's, it was equally needed and appreciated. a new friendship was born. whatever friendship had been there prior was taken to the next level. it was amazing and very difficult to describe. it was like he was everything i thought he was and more, but also like nothing i could have ever predicted. make sense? i didn't think so. maybe it isn't supposed to. either way, i loved it.
but here is the problem. although i know fully that the Holy Spirit is responsible for my "wishes being granted," my flesh is a little bit bitter that it's over now. should i have wished differently? should i have longed for something else? something a little more specific?
the truth is this. i ought not allow my spirit to be quenched by conversation with others; that is the role of Christ alone. my current bitterness at the loss of my friend (and by loss i mean he moved away, he didn't die or anything), feels like Satan is trying to divert attention from God's goodness and sovereignty. i hate that. i hate that i let that dirty rotten Satan trick me like this. dang!
i am reminded of one of my friend's notebooks. on he it he has the words enscribed "be easily blessed." i should probably remember that.
Gracious Heavenly Father- thank you for sending your people my way. thank you for surrounding me. thank you for community, for the blessings and the challenges that it brings. i know that as i grow through the challenges, you will be glorified. i pray that you will. God, give me wisdom in difficult relationships. Make me strong in You. I love You. amen.
1.11.2007
my inner girly girl
for as long as i can remember, i have not gotten along very well with girls--particularly the girly girl variety. you know the ones. they always have their makeup on perfectly, their hair is always done perfectly, and they have both manis and pedis. i am not sure why, i just have never really related. (no judgement, just my reality) don't get me wrong. i have girlfriends; i am blessed to know and love many amazing women and even a few girly girls.
the point?
i am not sure.
lately, more than ever, i unwittingly have been uncovering my own inner girly girl. i don't get along with her particularly well either. and with each layer of cucumber facial masque i peel off, i find some new girly girl part of me i never knew existed. i despise each new layer that is revealed more than i did the previous one.
some background: i have worn makeup to work all but two days this school year. my hair has grown longer and requires daily attention. both of these changes win me great praise and compliments from friends, family, coworkers and students. at 34 years old, i am as boy crazy as ever. but. all of that coupled with traditional, Christian values and a model of courtship (which some might call old fashioned) it seems i am supposed to adhere to, has created a void. a black hole. i feel trapped. almost suffocated. trapped by the expectations of the world. suffocated by the notion that how i look reflects accurately who i am, how i feel, or what i believe. i am stuck between wanting to be "more beautiful" outwardly so that people might want to actually get to know me inwardly and totally resisting buying into the myth and selling out to the world. the truth is, all i wanted to do (as Stacy "What Not to Wear" London would say) was present a more professional appearance. i made a choice; what i loathe is that the choice i made has now become an expectation. what if one morning i wake up and don't want to put on eye shadow? will i be a any less a teacher? a sister? a friend? a daughter? a Christian? the more i am supposed to be myself, the less i am able to be. even in Christ, in whom alone i trust, my best never feels like enough. i guess the truth is it isn't. it won't ever be. and as sad, empty and alone as that often makes me feel, i mustn't rely on those feelings.
the bottom line? i hate that i have sold out. i hate believing that to be accepted, to be beautiful, to be the girl worth taking a risk for -- to be the girl worth pursuing -- i must have a pedicure and my hair did (as it were). i hate feeling not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not submissive enough. ugh! i abhor those girly girl parts of me. i detest that i allow myself to believe it.
what makes it even worse? this lie is multiplied exponentially when a co-worker says how pretty my makeup looks, or when a student compliments me asking how much weight i have lost, or when a friend--or a stranger--says they like my outfit, or my glasses or my haircut. i believe them. i allow it to give me value--to define me. i travel further down the spiral. it is sick and twisted. it is depraved, and it is a lie.
my value comes from Him. my head knows this. my heart wants to believe it. but it can't. i know that without Him, i am nothing; you are nothing; without Him, none of us is. i just have to keep reminding myself that His ways are higher and better than my own...or theirs.
anyway...thanks for letting me vent here. my trusted co-worker would call this "guts on the table." i think i will just call it a pity party.
Gracious and Heavenly Father, Lord Most High. thank you for loving me completely and totally. thank you for being my comforter and protector when i am cold and all alone. thank you for being a warrior on my behalf. thank you for blessing me with people who love me and who are willing to talk about my struggles and share their own. i pray Father that i would believe You--not pridefully, but in a way that is glorifying to You. i pray that i would find my value and worth in You alone and that my life would be transformed by You. i pray that you would give me the strength to dismiss the expectations of the world, and the wisdom to live out the plans You have for me. amen
p.s. as i finished this entry, i was reminded of a song: "Video," by india.arie, from the album "Acoustic Soul." i hope you like it; it feels like reality. expectation meeting humiliation leading to realization. anyway, here it is.
the point?
i am not sure.
lately, more than ever, i unwittingly have been uncovering my own inner girly girl. i don't get along with her particularly well either. and with each layer of cucumber facial masque i peel off, i find some new girly girl part of me i never knew existed. i despise each new layer that is revealed more than i did the previous one.
some background: i have worn makeup to work all but two days this school year. my hair has grown longer and requires daily attention. both of these changes win me great praise and compliments from friends, family, coworkers and students. at 34 years old, i am as boy crazy as ever. but. all of that coupled with traditional, Christian values and a model of courtship (which some might call old fashioned) it seems i am supposed to adhere to, has created a void. a black hole. i feel trapped. almost suffocated. trapped by the expectations of the world. suffocated by the notion that how i look reflects accurately who i am, how i feel, or what i believe. i am stuck between wanting to be "more beautiful" outwardly so that people might want to actually get to know me inwardly and totally resisting buying into the myth and selling out to the world. the truth is, all i wanted to do (as Stacy "What Not to Wear" London would say) was present a more professional appearance. i made a choice; what i loathe is that the choice i made has now become an expectation. what if one morning i wake up and don't want to put on eye shadow? will i be a any less a teacher? a sister? a friend? a daughter? a Christian? the more i am supposed to be myself, the less i am able to be. even in Christ, in whom alone i trust, my best never feels like enough. i guess the truth is it isn't. it won't ever be. and as sad, empty and alone as that often makes me feel, i mustn't rely on those feelings.
the bottom line? i hate that i have sold out. i hate believing that to be accepted, to be beautiful, to be the girl worth taking a risk for -- to be the girl worth pursuing -- i must have a pedicure and my hair did (as it were). i hate feeling not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not submissive enough. ugh! i abhor those girly girl parts of me. i detest that i allow myself to believe it.
what makes it even worse? this lie is multiplied exponentially when a co-worker says how pretty my makeup looks, or when a student compliments me asking how much weight i have lost, or when a friend--or a stranger--says they like my outfit, or my glasses or my haircut. i believe them. i allow it to give me value--to define me. i travel further down the spiral. it is sick and twisted. it is depraved, and it is a lie.
my value comes from Him. my head knows this. my heart wants to believe it. but it can't. i know that without Him, i am nothing; you are nothing; without Him, none of us is. i just have to keep reminding myself that His ways are higher and better than my own...or theirs.
anyway...thanks for letting me vent here. my trusted co-worker would call this "guts on the table." i think i will just call it a pity party.
Gracious and Heavenly Father, Lord Most High. thank you for loving me completely and totally. thank you for being my comforter and protector when i am cold and all alone. thank you for being a warrior on my behalf. thank you for blessing me with people who love me and who are willing to talk about my struggles and share their own. i pray Father that i would believe You--not pridefully, but in a way that is glorifying to You. i pray that i would find my value and worth in You alone and that my life would be transformed by You. i pray that you would give me the strength to dismiss the expectations of the world, and the wisdom to live out the plans You have for me. amen
p.s. as i finished this entry, i was reminded of a song: "Video," by india.arie, from the album "Acoustic Soul." i hope you like it; it feels like reality. expectation meeting humiliation leading to realization. anyway, here it is.
sometimes i shave my legs and sometimes i don’t
sometimes i comb my hair and sometimes i won’t
depend on how the wind blows, i might even paint my toes
it really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul
i’m not the average girl from your video, and i ain’t built like a supermodel
but I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen
i'm not the average girl from your video; my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
no matter what i’m wearing i will always be India.Arie
when i look in the mirror and the only one there is me
every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be,
and i know my Creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes. i’m loving what i see
am i less of a lady if i don’t where panty hose?
my momma said a lady ain’t what she wears but what she knows
but i’ve drawn the conclusion, it’s all an illusion
confusion’s the name of the game
a misconception, a vast deception,
something's got to change
now don’t be offended. this is all my opinion
ain’t nothing that i’m saying's law
this is a true confession of a
life-learned lesson
i was sent here to share with y'all
so get in when you fit in
go on and shine
clear your mind
now’s the time
put your salt on the shelf
go on and love yourself
‘cause everything’s gonna be alright
...what God gave me is just fine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
