careful what you wish for...or not...

for a while now, i have wanted conversation. dialogue. to connect. not to just casually connect, but to really engage openly and honestly with someone...anyone. i never actually prayed about it. i never asked God to bring me people with whom to have these conversations; they remained the quiet longings of my spirit. thankfully, God knows those too.

i first recognized my need for such interactions about two years ago. nathan, byron, sexton and i would go to murdocks in cocoa village every now and then. after, we would end up in my nearby apartment sharing our thoughts, beliefs, philosophies, theology. usually, we focused on God, but we didn't have to. whether or not He was the center of our conversation, He was always present there. i know this because in these moments, we were free. free to be right. free to be wrong. free to be scared. free to be ignorant. but as time went on, our lives changed. we moved on. the group at murdock's got bigger. then smaller. then it moved to different locations. and i have been a part of some of these conversations too, but few have quenched my thirst.

until recently.

twice during the (nearly three-week long) Christmas holiday, God answered these quiet longings of my spirit. twice i found myself enjoying the company of people. twice i found myself free to be myself. twice i found myself able to laugh and cry almost simultaneously. how beautiful. i am so blessed to have had the conversations.

the first was girl's day with susan. the plan was to see a movie, shop, and eat. pretty simple. and we did all of that. this time was different somehow than all of the times we had hung out before, and it was different than my doing the same activities with anyone else. i love susan; i respect her; i look up to her. but this time i truly felt like we were sisters in Christ. i think we (Christian women) use the "sisters in Christ" thing all of the time, so much so that it feels meaningless. on that thursday afternoon in viera, it was anything but meaningless. in fact, it felt like everything. you know how in the third, or maybe, fifth grade, the really cool, if not mean-spirited joke is the one about "her picture is next to ugly (or some equally cruel and derogatory word) in the dictionary"? that is the best way i can describe our conversation: if there were a dictionary definition of sisters in Christ, it would have been our afternoon. our pictures could be there, next tot the definition in the dictionary. i realize how ridiculous that must sound, but i just have no other way to describe it. i needed it so much. and i am so thankful that i can see susan everyday and not have the pressure of creating or manufacturing another moment, but can look forward with joyful anticipation to it happening again.

the second conversation was the very next day. it felt like the conversation i had waited all my life for. although the converstation was diametrically opposed to the prior day's, it was equally needed and appreciated. a new friendship was born. whatever friendship had been there prior was taken to the next level. it was amazing and very difficult to describe. it was like he was everything i thought he was and more, but also like nothing i could have ever predicted. make sense? i didn't think so. maybe it isn't supposed to. either way, i loved it.

but here is the problem. although i know fully that the Holy Spirit is responsible for my "wishes being granted," my flesh is a little bit bitter that it's over now. should i have wished differently? should i have longed for something else? something a little more specific?

the truth is this. i ought not allow my spirit to be quenched by conversation with others; that is the role of Christ alone. my current bitterness at the loss of my friend (and by loss i mean he moved away, he didn't die or anything), feels like Satan is trying to divert attention from God's goodness and sovereignty. i hate that. i hate that i let that dirty rotten Satan trick me like this. dang!

i am reminded of one of my friend's notebooks. on he it he has the words enscribed "be easily blessed." i should probably remember that.

Gracious Heavenly Father- thank you for sending your people my way. thank you for surrounding me. thank you for community, for the blessings and the challenges that it brings. i know that as i grow through the challenges, you will be glorified. i pray that you will. God, give me wisdom in difficult relationships. Make me strong in You. I love You. amen.