feel like bloggin,

but don't have much to say. this weekend was weird.

friday night was good -- bonding with the dancers over tabrets and dinner, a movie with susan, fun laughs and a coffee after...good times.

saturday was cool too...lunch with ranew and a cookout. good times. also, i talked to joel and daniel -- refreshing conversations, to be sure. i miss those men. it was good to talk with them.

sunday i was sick...it was bad. i slept all day, and then could not sleep at night. yuck. i did get my closet cleaned out.

i still feel not my best, but it will be all good. i have to do laundry, clean the downstairs and the pool. too bad it is cold weather out. although it is a welcome break, it makes pool cleaning less exhilarating than normal.

i love Jesus.

and i guess that's pretty much it.

i am off to work on boostesing my confidentiality. peace out brethren and sisters...

thank God...

two posts in as many days...shocking

anyway, so many of you know i love Oprah. (sidenote: i almost had to initiate a friendship breakup recently when my bff called Oprah the anti-Christ and misidentified an *NSync song as the Backstreet Boys all within three minutes. it was rough.) and i love music. and i love it when songs are given to me to answers the questions that haunt me.

today i have two songs...and you are probably wondering why i mentioned Oprah. here's why: Carly Simon was on Oprah yesterday with her kids Sally and Ben Taylor. i love Carly Simon, don't know much about Sally, and i love Ben Taylor (and his dad James too). so here is the deal. immediately after Oprah, I was on my way to church and had grabbed my both Carly Simon "Reflections" cd and Ben Taylor Band EP. I wanted to hear two very specific songs. the first was featured on "American Dreams" several years ago. on that show, Ben Taylor played a singer in the bar that Patty, the pregnant wife of the Pryor's eldest son JJ, worked at. he sang the song "Surround Me" on the show and released it on an EP. anyway...lyrics to follow.

the second song i wanted to hear was Carly Simon's "Let the River Run," an Academy Award winning song from the Melanie Griffin movie "Working Girl." it is such a powerful song. it reminds me of my purpose. the bigger one. the significant one. anyway, as i skipped through to number 15 on the cd, i obviously passed by some amazing Carly Simon hits.

SIDEBAR: i am no Carly Simon connosuier (or however you spell it), but i have to tell you a HUGE pet peeve of mine. it drives me nuts when people say,"Oh, i love (insert name of favorite musician here). their song (insert name of most widely-known, over-played, pop-radio song here) is amazing." for example, "i love Barry Manilow. His song "Mandy" is amazing." Give me a break. if you really loved Barry Manilow, you would know that is not his best effort--most popular, perhaps--best, not by a long shot (at least in my humble, albeit assertive, opinion). another example, "i love Prince. Purple Rain was so good." the sheer volume of Prince music is far too expansive to be summed up in the theme song to an '80s biopic. i mean...it is a great song, and it isn't a terrible movie, but if you love Prince, is that really the evidence you would use to support your claim? see what i mean?

my point is this. although i grabbed the cd fully intending to (and actually listening to) "Let the River Run," an entirely different song now runs repeatedly through my head. and it answers that little inner girly girl i cited two posts ago. "You belong to Me" is the song. it is one of those i have probably heard a million times growing up, but never really paid attention to. i assume that, because when it began to play i didn't know that i knew it and yet proceeded to sing every word. so, not every word is relevant to the aforementioned predicament, but some are.

Why'd you tell me this?
Were you looking for my reaction?
What do you need to know?
Don't you know you'll always be my girl

You don't have to prove to me you're beautiful to strangers
I've got loving eyes of my own

You belong to me
Tell her you were fooling
You don't even know her
Tell her that I love you
You belong to me

Can it be, honey, that you're not sure
You belong to me
Thought we'd closed the book - locked the door

And I can tell
I can tell darling tell her
tell her that I love you
You belong to me

I know you from a long time ago, baby
Don't leave me to go to her now

so here's my two sense worth on all of that. i feel like God is reminding me that i am His; that He sees me as His beautiful creation. He is the "I," i am the "you," and "her" is the world. He sees me as beautiful. He reminds me that He loves me, yet i continually try to prove myself and my worth to Him and to the world. both efforts are futile. i can't prove my worth to Him, because my only worth is in Him. at the same time, trying to be enough for the world is assinine. i really love the ending, "I know you from a long time ago, baby. Don't leave me to go to her now." in Psalm 139:13-16, this point is made. "Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day." i feel like God is saying gently, "Look, Trace, I created you. You are mine. That is enough. Believe it. Don't leave me. I know you inside and out. I know you past, present, and future. And I love you. Believe Me." ok, so the truth is, i may be way, way off. but does it matter. if i can draw renewed confidence in my savior and creator, if i can believe Him, isn't that the point?

thank you Father. thank you for giving people gifts to share. thank you for inspiring me. thank you for allowing me to see truth in the darkness. thank you for allowing me and for encouraging me to claim truth where i find it. You are truth, God. and if there is truth out there, i must believe it is you. my prayer continues with the words of another, Father. please accept them as my own prayer...

Love, surround me with all Your reach now while we're here alone
now our bodies are ocean and beach, lessons of waves and stones
floating a lonely sound You found me, and now that the tide is finally down
surround me; surround me; surround me

and, Love, move for me; roll beneath the sky
shadows and silver cross Your face, pulls a moonlit night
weak from standing on sandy ground You found me
and now that I'm finally falling down
surround me; surround me; surround me

Love, surround me while You can till these waves grow cold
i've gone too deep; icannot stand; i burned before i froze
running to save my life and leaving You
and now in the heat of this dreadful dry, i'm needing You
surround me; surround me; surround me

Love, surround me. today, tomorrow and the next day. every moment. i love you. amen.

careful what you wish for...or not...

for a while now, i have wanted conversation. dialogue. to connect. not to just casually connect, but to really engage openly and honestly with someone...anyone. i never actually prayed about it. i never asked God to bring me people with whom to have these conversations; they remained the quiet longings of my spirit. thankfully, God knows those too.

i first recognized my need for such interactions about two years ago. nathan, byron, sexton and i would go to murdocks in cocoa village every now and then. after, we would end up in my nearby apartment sharing our thoughts, beliefs, philosophies, theology. usually, we focused on God, but we didn't have to. whether or not He was the center of our conversation, He was always present there. i know this because in these moments, we were free. free to be right. free to be wrong. free to be scared. free to be ignorant. but as time went on, our lives changed. we moved on. the group at murdock's got bigger. then smaller. then it moved to different locations. and i have been a part of some of these conversations too, but few have quenched my thirst.

until recently.

twice during the (nearly three-week long) Christmas holiday, God answered these quiet longings of my spirit. twice i found myself enjoying the company of people. twice i found myself free to be myself. twice i found myself able to laugh and cry almost simultaneously. how beautiful. i am so blessed to have had the conversations.

the first was girl's day with susan. the plan was to see a movie, shop, and eat. pretty simple. and we did all of that. this time was different somehow than all of the times we had hung out before, and it was different than my doing the same activities with anyone else. i love susan; i respect her; i look up to her. but this time i truly felt like we were sisters in Christ. i think we (Christian women) use the "sisters in Christ" thing all of the time, so much so that it feels meaningless. on that thursday afternoon in viera, it was anything but meaningless. in fact, it felt like everything. you know how in the third, or maybe, fifth grade, the really cool, if not mean-spirited joke is the one about "her picture is next to ugly (or some equally cruel and derogatory word) in the dictionary"? that is the best way i can describe our conversation: if there were a dictionary definition of sisters in Christ, it would have been our afternoon. our pictures could be there, next tot the definition in the dictionary. i realize how ridiculous that must sound, but i just have no other way to describe it. i needed it so much. and i am so thankful that i can see susan everyday and not have the pressure of creating or manufacturing another moment, but can look forward with joyful anticipation to it happening again.

the second conversation was the very next day. it felt like the conversation i had waited all my life for. although the converstation was diametrically opposed to the prior day's, it was equally needed and appreciated. a new friendship was born. whatever friendship had been there prior was taken to the next level. it was amazing and very difficult to describe. it was like he was everything i thought he was and more, but also like nothing i could have ever predicted. make sense? i didn't think so. maybe it isn't supposed to. either way, i loved it.

but here is the problem. although i know fully that the Holy Spirit is responsible for my "wishes being granted," my flesh is a little bit bitter that it's over now. should i have wished differently? should i have longed for something else? something a little more specific?

the truth is this. i ought not allow my spirit to be quenched by conversation with others; that is the role of Christ alone. my current bitterness at the loss of my friend (and by loss i mean he moved away, he didn't die or anything), feels like Satan is trying to divert attention from God's goodness and sovereignty. i hate that. i hate that i let that dirty rotten Satan trick me like this. dang!

i am reminded of one of my friend's notebooks. on he it he has the words enscribed "be easily blessed." i should probably remember that.

Gracious Heavenly Father- thank you for sending your people my way. thank you for surrounding me. thank you for community, for the blessings and the challenges that it brings. i know that as i grow through the challenges, you will be glorified. i pray that you will. God, give me wisdom in difficult relationships. Make me strong in You. I love You. amen.

my inner girly girl

for as long as i can remember, i have not gotten along very well with girls--particularly the girly girl variety. you know the ones. they always have their makeup on perfectly, their hair is always done perfectly, and they have both manis and pedis. i am not sure why, i just have never really related. (no judgement, just my reality) don't get me wrong. i have girlfriends; i am blessed to know and love many amazing women and even a few girly girls.

the point?

i am not sure.

lately, more than ever, i unwittingly have been uncovering my own inner girly girl. i don't get along with her particularly well either. and with each layer of cucumber facial masque i peel off, i find some new girly girl part of me i never knew existed. i despise each new layer that is revealed more than i did the previous one.

some background: i have worn makeup to work all but two days this school year. my hair has grown longer and requires daily attention. both of these changes win me great praise and compliments from friends, family, coworkers and students. at 34 years old, i am as boy crazy as ever. but. all of that coupled with traditional, Christian values and a model of courtship (which some might call old fashioned) it seems i am supposed to adhere to, has created a void. a black hole. i feel trapped. almost suffocated. trapped by the expectations of the world. suffocated by the notion that how i look reflects accurately who i am, how i feel, or what i believe. i am stuck between wanting to be "more beautiful" outwardly so that people might want to actually get to know me inwardly and totally resisting buying into the myth and selling out to the world. the truth is, all i wanted to do (as Stacy "What Not to Wear" London would say) was present a more professional appearance. i made a choice; what i loathe is that the choice i made has now become an expectation. what if one morning i wake up and don't want to put on eye shadow? will i be a any less a teacher? a sister? a friend? a daughter? a Christian? the more i am supposed to be myself, the less i am able to be. even in Christ, in whom alone i trust, my best never feels like enough. i guess the truth is it isn't. it won't ever be. and as sad, empty and alone as that often makes me feel, i mustn't rely on those feelings.

the bottom line? i hate that i have sold out. i hate believing that to be accepted, to be beautiful, to be the girl worth taking a risk for -- to be the girl worth pursuing -- i must have a pedicure and my hair did (as it were). i hate feeling not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not submissive enough. ugh! i abhor those girly girl parts of me. i detest that i allow myself to believe it.

what makes it even worse? this lie is multiplied exponentially when a co-worker says how pretty my makeup looks, or when a student compliments me asking how much weight i have lost, or when a friend--or a stranger--says they like my outfit, or my glasses or my haircut. i believe them. i allow it to give me value--to define me. i travel further down the spiral. it is sick and twisted. it is depraved, and it is a lie.

my value comes from Him. my head knows this. my heart wants to believe it. but it can't. i know that without Him, i am nothing; you are nothing; without Him, none of us is. i just have to keep reminding myself that His ways are higher and better than my own...or theirs.

anyway...thanks for letting me vent here. my trusted co-worker would call this "guts on the table." i think i will just call it a pity party.

Gracious and Heavenly Father, Lord Most High. thank you for loving me completely and totally. thank you for being my comforter and protector when i am cold and all alone. thank you for being a warrior on my behalf. thank you for blessing me with people who love me and who are willing to talk about my struggles and share their own. i pray Father that i would believe You--not pridefully, but in a way that is glorifying to You. i pray that i would find my value and worth in You alone and that my life would be transformed by You. i pray that you would give me the strength to dismiss the expectations of the world, and the wisdom to live out the plans You have for me. amen

p.s. as i finished this entry, i was reminded of a song: "Video," by india.arie, from the album "Acoustic Soul." i hope you like it; it feels like reality. expectation meeting humiliation leading to realization. anyway, here it is.

sometimes i shave my legs and sometimes i don’t
sometimes i comb my hair and sometimes i won’t
depend on how the wind blows, i might even paint my toes
it really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

i’m not the average girl from your video, and i ain’t built like a supermodel
but I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen

i'm not the average girl from your video; my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
no matter what i’m wearing i will always be India.Arie

when i look in the mirror and the only one there is me
every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be,
and i know my Creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes. i’m loving what i see

am i less of a lady if i don’t where panty hose?
my momma said a lady ain’t what she wears but what she knows
but i’ve drawn the conclusion, it’s all an illusion
confusion’s the name of the game
a misconception, a vast deception,
something's got to change

now don’t be offended. this is all my opinion
ain’t nothing that i’m saying's law
this is a true confession of a
life-learned lesson
i was sent here to share with y'all
so get in when you fit in
go on and shine
clear your mind
now’s the time
put your salt on the shelf
go on and love yourself
‘cause everything’s gonna be alright

...what God gave me is just fine