5.29.2007
well i am up later than normal, with everything and nothing to say. i can't sleep. my insecurities have sent me into the proverbial tailspin. a tension headache lurks behind the next corner, i am certain. that may be all i am certain of. that and the power and significance of the Trinity. amazing grace. amazing love. amazing. period. in the meantime, i am haunted by my job and my future in this job or in any other. i love where i work. i love teaching. i love students. i love learning and growing with and before them; i love watching them grow. but i have no clue what i want to be when i grow up. as i am fully immersed in my mid-30s, i feel like i should have some clue as to my "calling;" that is, what does God want me to do? i am reminded of the life verse of a dear friend of mine who is moving away. Micah 6:8, "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." i can rest in that for a moment. inevitably the moment passes, and all i am left with is more questions. then i remember Psalm 121, a paraphrase: I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. again I can rest there, if only for a moment. my current situation finds me spending more and more time with a man of God who knows exactly what his passion is, and he lives out that passion with and for God. no pressure. speaking of that... i am a bumbling idiot. i do not trust or believe enough that i am a daughter of God THE FATHER. i can not seem to wrap my head around the fact that i just might be worth it--that some smart, funny, attractive, driven, motivated man of God might be interested in pursuing me. so in order to thinly veil my shortcomings and neediness, i spew forth all of this ick from my lips like green slimey make believe vomit from a recently exorcised b-movie actress. look, the bottom line is this: in the immortal words of BonJovi, "i don't know where I'm going, only God knows where I've been..." ok, that one really doesn't apply. so the bottom line is this: i am confused. all i want to be is obedient. all i want to do is abide. i want to take note of the details about life--about God's creation--and appreciate them. i want to embody the character of Christ and live it out in my life. in whatever career i end up in, and in whatever relationship God blesses me with, i want Him to be glorified. He is the answer; I know it...i just am not always sure what to do with it.... grace, peace and love... goodnight
5.16.2007
two...two..two blogs in one
#1) go limp
last wednesday in chapel, i experienced Christ in a whole new way. i had a picture of Him i will not soon forget and must share.
here's what happened: i reminded myself -my spirit- to worship; i.e., not just to sing empty words, but to sing the songs as praises and prayers to The King. i can't even remember what we sang exactly, but i remember this: i was prone to distraction. i closed my eyes. i felt the Spirit leading my right hand up into the air. my flesh was self-conscious, but my soul didn't care. i kept singing. loudly. too loudly maybe. as i closed my eyes, i saw what God was trying to tell me: i am like a little baby, and not in the good way. not in the with faith like a child way. but in a bad way. a disgraceful way. (p.s. i now for the first time fully captured the meaning of the word disgraceful.) this is what i saw and felt. God reached down with His big, ever-present, omnipotent hand and picked me up by the wrist. He let me dangle there. on one hand, i felt safe in the arms of my Abba father. on the other, i knew i was being convicted.
have you ever been in the mall or the supermarket when the tantrum of a two-year-old ensues? the parents have had it, and they choose to grab the screaming child by the wrist, snatch him up off the floor, and carry him away. i used to work retail, and i saw this all of the time. the point isn't the appropriateness of the parental reaction to his child's misbehavior. the point is the child's reaction to the parent's admonition. generally, the reactions of children being reprimanded in such a way is to go limp. i am not sure why. likely, there is some deep seeded psychological, nature vs. nurture, Freudian explanation, but i don't know it, and i don't care.
the point is this: as God lovingly rebukes me in my own disobedience, i go limp. i resist His gentle, helpful embrace. i trade His sacrifice for the temporary pleasure of the world. a harsh realization.
so that is the picture. God protecting me from myself and from the world, and i go limp. what a shame.
Father, when your loving arm reaches down to snatch me up from the strongholds of the world, i pray that rather than going limp, i would climb up Your arm and into the gentle lap of Your embrace. i pray, Father, that i would be obedient in the big things and in the small, that your name might be glorified by my life. and, Abba, i thank you for who You are, for the attributes of Your character that are revealed in everything i see around me.
#2) oh, how times have changed.
my last blog was some rant about ben being engaged. isn't it strange how quickly things that used to be of pimary import one day are all but forgotten the next. as i revisit the last entry, it is difficult to imagine that i gave any of that a second thought.
i feel like my whole life has been turned upside down in the matter two weeks or less. that is all....for now...
Thank you, Father. Thank you.
last wednesday in chapel, i experienced Christ in a whole new way. i had a picture of Him i will not soon forget and must share.
here's what happened: i reminded myself -my spirit- to worship; i.e., not just to sing empty words, but to sing the songs as praises and prayers to The King. i can't even remember what we sang exactly, but i remember this: i was prone to distraction. i closed my eyes. i felt the Spirit leading my right hand up into the air. my flesh was self-conscious, but my soul didn't care. i kept singing. loudly. too loudly maybe. as i closed my eyes, i saw what God was trying to tell me: i am like a little baby, and not in the good way. not in the with faith like a child way. but in a bad way. a disgraceful way. (p.s. i now for the first time fully captured the meaning of the word disgraceful.) this is what i saw and felt. God reached down with His big, ever-present, omnipotent hand and picked me up by the wrist. He let me dangle there. on one hand, i felt safe in the arms of my Abba father. on the other, i knew i was being convicted.
have you ever been in the mall or the supermarket when the tantrum of a two-year-old ensues? the parents have had it, and they choose to grab the screaming child by the wrist, snatch him up off the floor, and carry him away. i used to work retail, and i saw this all of the time. the point isn't the appropriateness of the parental reaction to his child's misbehavior. the point is the child's reaction to the parent's admonition. generally, the reactions of children being reprimanded in such a way is to go limp. i am not sure why. likely, there is some deep seeded psychological, nature vs. nurture, Freudian explanation, but i don't know it, and i don't care.
the point is this: as God lovingly rebukes me in my own disobedience, i go limp. i resist His gentle, helpful embrace. i trade His sacrifice for the temporary pleasure of the world. a harsh realization.
so that is the picture. God protecting me from myself and from the world, and i go limp. what a shame.
Father, when your loving arm reaches down to snatch me up from the strongholds of the world, i pray that rather than going limp, i would climb up Your arm and into the gentle lap of Your embrace. i pray, Father, that i would be obedient in the big things and in the small, that your name might be glorified by my life. and, Abba, i thank you for who You are, for the attributes of Your character that are revealed in everything i see around me.
#2) oh, how times have changed.
my last blog was some rant about ben being engaged. isn't it strange how quickly things that used to be of pimary import one day are all but forgotten the next. as i revisit the last entry, it is difficult to imagine that i gave any of that a second thought.
i feel like my whole life has been turned upside down in the matter two weeks or less. that is all....for now...
Thank you, Father. Thank you.
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