well i am up later than normal, with everything and nothing to say. i can't sleep. my insecurities have sent me into the proverbial tailspin. a tension headache lurks behind the next corner, i am certain. that may be all i am certain of. that and the power and significance of the Trinity. amazing grace. amazing love. amazing. period. in the meantime, i am haunted by my job and my future in this job or in any other. i love where i work. i love teaching. i love students. i love learning and growing with and before them; i love watching them grow. but i have no clue what i want to be when i grow up. as i am fully immersed in my mid-30s, i feel like i should have some clue as to my "calling;" that is, what does God want me to do? i am reminded of the life verse of a dear friend of mine who is moving away. Micah 6:8, "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." i can rest in that for a moment. inevitably the moment passes, and all i am left with is more questions. then i remember Psalm 121, a paraphrase: I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. again I can rest there, if only for a moment. my current situation finds me spending more and more time with a man of God who knows exactly what his passion is, and he lives out that passion with and for God. no pressure. speaking of that... i am a bumbling idiot. i do not trust or believe enough that i am a daughter of God THE FATHER. i can not seem to wrap my head around the fact that i just might be worth it--that some smart, funny, attractive, driven, motivated man of God might be interested in pursuing me. so in order to thinly veil my shortcomings and neediness, i spew forth all of this ick from my lips like green slimey make believe vomit from a recently exorcised b-movie actress. look, the bottom line is this: in the immortal words of BonJovi, "i don't know where I'm going, only God knows where I've been..." ok, that one really doesn't apply. so the bottom line is this: i am confused. all i want to be is obedient. all i want to do is abide. i want to take note of the details about life--about God's creation--and appreciate them. i want to embody the character of Christ and live it out in my life. in whatever career i end up in, and in whatever relationship God blesses me with, i want Him to be glorified. He is the answer; I know it...i just am not always sure what to do with it.... grace, peace and love... goodnight